Dear Amy: My husband and I have been retired, married for 37 years. He plays golf regularly with “Brian”.
I think Brian is a know-it-all and his wife, “Karen”, is self-centered. I think we have very little in common with them and, frankly, they don’t seem very interested in us. The two children have been married for two years and we were not invited to the weddings, and they do not send us Christmas cards or recognize other special occasions.
However, despite his lukewarm attitude towards us, my husband often makes plans to meet with them.
For example, my husband wanted to miss our daughter’s college graduation (a big event, in my opinion) so that we could travel with this couple, and he also wanted me to “not tell them it’s my birthday” to go to another event he had invited them to (pre-COVID).
I’m not really looking forward to spending time with this couple, but how do I get my husband to let them go?
I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that their vague interest in us indicates that they don’t like us, and he was offended when I told him that they don’t make much effort to get in touch.
Any idea?
– Fired
Dear dismissed: It seems that your husband is somewhat captivated by this couple – to the point that he has developed social myopia, which I define as an inability to perceive social cues accurately.
Some events – like college graduation – are non-negotiable and absolute obligations for couples to attend together. You were right to insist on a course correction.
In order to communicate about this, do not dwell on your obscure personal opinion of “Brian” and “Karen”. Ask him with an open attitude to describe why he enjoys their company so much. Does he believe the relationship is balanced?
Tell him, honestly, that you believe that they are not very interested in an intimate friendship and that he can choose his own golf buddies, but he cannot choose his friends for you. If he makes plans or accepts an invitation without arguing with you in advance, you can choose to stay home.
Dear Amy: Can you help me understand the limits of offering advice? The circumstances related to COVID mean that my 35-year-old daughter must make an employment decision involving the relocation.
From personal experience, I have insights into her potential relocation options that she doesn’t have. What I know about this subject can affect your ultimate happiness.
She didn’t ask for my vision, so I didn’t give it.
Should I anyway?
I suspect that she would accept what I have to say, but her husband may react badly. He’s the type of guy in charge who can interpret his mother-in-law’s information as meddling instead of help.
– Reluctant Counselor
Dear Reluctant: I have a faded post-it sticked on the bulletin board on my desk: “Unsolicited advice is almost always selfish”
For a professional counselor, it is vital that I control my own tendencies towards friends and family. I am not always successful.
However, the wise choice not to offer unsolicited advice does not mean that you should always control things proactively, certainly if you have a real vision (and not just an automatic reaction).
One way to deal with this would be to invite your daughter to ask for your advice.
You can say, “I have some ideas about your relocation ideas, based on my own experience. I don’t want to get in your way, but if you’re interested in hearing my opinion, let me know and we’ll talk about it. “
You are your daughter’s mother. Your husband is not in charge of his conversations with you. If she asks for your opinion, you should offer it, regardless of how you think he can interpret it. Your daughter’s decision to follow your recommendation should be entirely up to her – and therefore you should turn away from any particular outcome.
Dear Amy: You must completely refrain from offering your obviously liberal and biased political views. Your constant fear of the pandemic and the defense of the liberal agenda has aged and will cause you to lose many readers.
– done with you
Dear, I do my best to answer sincerely the questions sent to me. My advice on the pandemic is not my opinion, but from CDC scientists. My political agenda, as it stands, is to promote peaceful communication and understanding. This in itself is quite threatening to some readers, irritating both sides of the political divide.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.