These loins are bound, folks: we are now 15 mere mortal days away from the release of Zack Snyder’s Justice League, the film that will finally give superhero movie fans exactly what they’ve always said they wanted, thereby permanently freeing our planet from their collective sense of anger and rights, and probably winning Snyder the Nobel Peace Prize in the process . HBO Max, the company that tries to dominate popular digital anger, continued to raise expectations for the film, which today means the company released the chapter titles for Snyder’s epic, because God knows you can’t make a four-hour superhero movie without cutting it into chapters with meaningful titles. (To be clear, all chapters will be released as the only four-hour movie.)
In truth, Justice League will be cut into six chapters, and – having already put our affairs in order before the planetary realignment announced by the film’s much anticipated relaunch – we imagine that it would make a little antiquated and baseless speculation about what each of these demarcations could possibly mean.
Chapter one: “Don’t count on it, Batman”
Now, a simple reading from A to B of the text suggests that this is largely centered on the early parts of the 2017 Justice League, in which Arthur “Aquaman” Curry says exactly this line to Bruce Wayne when he declines his offer to be one of his “warriors”. But given Snyder’s contempt for the Joss Whedon film version, and his love for including extra bonus villains in this new version, we can only assume that this chapter will include, and will focus on, an appearance of the classic Batman Calculator villain (no tell in it, see), possibly dressed as John Baptist.
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Chapter Two: The Age Of Heroes
A literal reading may suggest that this section will re-hash some of the back story sections of the original spin of Justice League, showing the old battles between aliens, Olympians, Atlanteans and Amazons against the film’s villain, Steppenwolf, who wants to take them on a magic carpet straight to hell. The new version, however – we’re guessing – will have 40 minutes of the film Heroes telling each other your ages as a kind of team-building exercise.
Chapter Three: Beloved Mother, Beloved Son
Ray Fisher’s Cyborg reveals that the mystical mother box that brought him and Superman back to life is also unlikely to be called “Martha”.
Chapter Four: “Changing the Machine”
While Steppenwolf combines the mother boxes to reshape the face of the Earth and announce the arrival of his master, Darkseid, Bruce Wayne struggles to park his Knightcrawler all-terrain vehicle, doing that thing where you spend 10 minutes trying to flatten a one dollar bill against the corner of the machine until the damn exchange machine finally accepted.
Chapter Five: All the King’s Horses
The darkest hour on Earth is avoided when the Horse King, the greatest hero on the planet, launches his Titanic Whinny, shaking Steppenwolf’s army to pieces. (The only human victim of the attack was a man named “Woss Jhedon”, who was buried alive under 40 tons of rubble.) When General Apokaliptan begged for mercy, King Horse seals his fate in the League’s subsequent debate by voting “No. “
Chapter six: something darker
All members of the Justice League, as well as a Darkseid that suddenly appeared, turn directly to the camera, encouraging viewers to check out the next film, even less colorful “Justice Is Gray” version. The Horse King shakes his big head tiredly and sings to explore the stars.
And that’s credit, folks, just four hours into your life. A very titanic achievement on the part of Snyder and the realization of his long-standing vision for this uni superhero—
Wait, really? A scene in the middle of the credits on Newswire about the superhero movie? How low is that shit going to fall? Ugh, alright:
Epilogue
Martian Manhunter appears, explains to Ryan Reynolds’ disappointed fans that he’s all they’re getting this time around, so they might as well restrain themselves and have fun.
Jesus Christ.