Demi Lovato is no longer hiding her truth. Last month, the singer and actress, who has struggled with addiction for years, revealed that she considers herself “sober Californian” – that is, not entirely abstain from substances. This goes against decades of conventional wisdom in the world of addiction recovery, which postulates that recovery means total and permanent abstinence. How often do you see headlines about this or that celebrity celebrating a birthday of sobriety? As we celebrate, we should also celebrate Mrs. Lovato’s recovery, even if it seems unconventional.
Unfortunately, there has been an onslaught of ignorant criticism of Lovato’s recovery program, which only shows how far we have to go when it comes to understanding addiction recovery.
The confusion started with her new documentary “Dancing with the Devil”, in which the pop star talks openly about a wide range of personal struggles, from surviving an almost fatal overdose to fighting food problems and the trauma of sexual assault. But the headlines focused on their choice to practice what is known as “moderation management”, which is when people choose to go into some substances – but, as the name suggests, in moderation.
“Yes. I think the term I identify with best is ‘sober California’,” Lovato said in a recent interview with CBS on Sunday Morning. The interviewer then asked her if it meant that she still drinks some alcohol and smokes some marijuana. “I really don’t feel comfortable explaining the parameters of my recovery to people,” Lovato replied, “because I don’t want anyone to look at my safety parameters and think that this is what works for them, because it may not work.”
Lovato is careful with her words and has clearly thought about the implications of being a pop star and model, while being true to herself and honest about her recovery.
But his caution with his words did not stop the haters. One blogger described his recovery path as “delusional” and “dangerous”. “I think the term ‘sober California’ disrespects the sober community,” Ken Seeley, a professional interventionist, told Entertainment Today. “I know a lot of people who work very hard to keep their abstinence and fight for their recovering lives and bring up this new term, ‘Sober California’, is so inappropriate.”
Likewise, a People the magazine’s story about the documentary Lovato was emblematic of this common misunderstanding of recovery. “Demi Lovato reveals that she smokes marijuana and drinks ‘in moderation,’ but says ‘it’s not for everyone’,” said the judge’s headline. In the story, People wrote that Demi Lovato “is not sober”. The article continued:
The singer then says that “it ended things that will kill me”, but admits that she still smokes marijuana and drinks occasionally. Traditionally, in rehabilitation and 12-step programs, recovery is based on complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol, not moderation.
But what is “traditional” is not necessarily right for everyone. There is no shame in having an unorthodox recovery.
The fact is that recovery has as many paths as there are people. As a national defender and a recovering person, I learned firsthand and witnessed how diverse, creative and innovative our community is. Recovery is defined as “a process of change through which individuals improve their health and well-being, live a self-directed life and strive to reach their full potential”. This means that every individual who seeks relief from substance use disorder deserves the basic respect and dignity that we would offer to anyone else in the recovery from a chronic illness. Instead, Lovato is described by armchair experts as being an “alcoholic” and “addicted” and who knows nothing better and cannot be trusted to make healthy choices for herself.
Likewise, moderation is also a path to recovery. Abstaining from some substances while still using others is recovery. Just as total abstinence is recovery, or the use of drugs like methadone is recovery. Incorporating wellness tools like yoga or relying on spiritual practice is also recovery. Why is this so difficult for some people to understand?
Lovato’s recovery is as valid as mine: zero-use abstinence, supported by a 12-step program. I don’t think her path threatens mine or “set a bad example”. In fact, I think your courage shows that recovery is really for anyone who wants it. The problem here is not what Lovato chooses to do with his own body. She is a 28 year old adult woman.
As one of the biggest pop stars in the world, Lovato is used to having her body policed by strangers. In her documentary, she describes how for years she has had no control over her life. Her schedule, wardrobe, finances and even what she ate were dictated and controlled. It is frankly refreshing to see a woman like Lovato regain control and live out her truth. But it seems that women, especially celebrities, are severely criticized. They are too thin or too fat, they are the wrong shape, they are very fashionable or desperately out of fashion. They are bad mothers or spend a lot of time with their families. It is no surprise that this same judgment extends to recovery as well. If a woman uses substances, she is exuberant; if she abstains, she becomes tense. There is no middle ground, and you know what? I’m glad Lovato isn’t trying to please anyone but herself with her recovery choices. Each person must decide for himself what “recovery” means and how he wants to live it.
But therapists, treatment specialists and other so-called specialists are suffering a lot from Demi’s decision to do what is right for her. However, these are the same people who should know that what she is doing is exactly how recovery support should work. It is not the role of the therapist (or anyone else) to dictate how someone else should live or what guidelines they should conform to. Instead, they should offer the tools, resources and support that can help that person have a better life.
In my experience, shaking a finger, shaming or criticizing does not help anyone to sober up. No one embarrassed me for the treatment; I decided to seek help because I finally accepted that my life was worth living and met other people who were brave enough to show me what was possible for me. One of those people was Demi herself: when I met her in 2013, while living in Los Angeles, I was still addicted to heroin and lied to everyone about it. Shortly after meeting Demi and hearing his story, I changed my life forever. I found a way that worked for me. Like Demi, I also declared myself publicly as a member of the LGBTQ community after becoming sober. My identity and my substance use were very connected. Shame kept me in the closet for a long time. If I tried to please everyone, I would still be sick and hating myself. I may even be dead. But I’m not. I am alive today and I am happy. I am healthier than ever, engaged to the man I love and helping to share the inspiration I received from Demi and many other friends.
The sooner we abandon the idea that zero tolerance, the recovery from abstinence alone is the only valid path, the sooner we will start saving lives. Hundreds of people die every day from substance-related causes. How many of them would be alive today if they were told there was another way? I am grateful for the incredible diversity of recovery paths in my community. Our diversity is our strength. Instead of assuming a “one size fits all” recovery, dictated by institutions that pathologize and punish people, we need to focus on the individual and ask how we can support him on his unique journey.