The strangest program on television is getting even stranger, it seems. Riverdale is in its fifth season and is taking a leap in time, baby. After years of dealing with gang violence, cultists, illegal organ harvestingers, and serial killers, the gang finally graduated from high school, and The episode that will air next Wednesday, sets the show seven years in the future.
Do I watch this show? No, just the wild casual recap. Did I scream during this promotion? Yes, because I know enough about this show to realize that this is lawless shit.
The promotion features an emotional narration of the ever expressionless Jughead, played by Cole Sprouse. Here’s what he has for us:
“Archie was in a war …”
Cut to Archie … fighting in armed combat on what appears to be your school’s old football field?
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What is this war? Is this a dream sequence? Because looks like Saving Private Ryan out there?
I consulted the editor of the Jezebel team and resident Riverdale specialist Joan Summers about that.
“He once worked as a murderer for the mafia, committed murder and went to prison,” said Summers. “So, being in some future war makes perfect sense.”
She added, “Archie’s best storyline, though, is when he learned boxing so he could fight a bear.”
What?
“He was stuck in a murder mystery game based on the 1980s Dungeons and Dragons panic in which he and his friends had to act out so as not to be murdered by the secretive villains who run Riverdale, ”she said. “And one of Archie’s trials as ‘the knight’ was that he had to fight a bear.”
OK. Understand.
“I was a published writer …”
So here we have Jughead, the weird, who is a published author and is … uh ….
Not having a great time !!!
“Veronica was married …”
Veronica’s work is married.
It seems that Veronica had a strange encounter with Archie and has to explain that, while he was fighting a war on the school’s football field, she married a guy named Chadwick. Let’s bet on what this guy does for a living. Real estate? Corporate law?
To know Riverdale, he’s probably the bear that Archie fought when or something.
“Betty was an FBI agent …”
So, we have Betty, an FBI agent, running through the forest in a very obvious tear (tribute?) From the opening scene of Silence of the innocents, where FBI intern Clarice Starling is running through some fucking forest also.
The promo cuts to Betty having a therapy session, in which she has flashbacks of, uh … some monster hissing at her?
Maybe I should start watching Riverdale.