Dear Amy: I have been married for 30 years. Most of the time, I was unhappy.
I have experienced love in the past. Before my wedding, I had my heart broken twice.
I just couldn’t afford to go through that pain again. So I married a woman who was a good person, knowing that if she left, my heart would not be broken.
This led me to have several cases. I am not proud of that.
When I was single, I never cheated on any of my girlfriends, but I started cheating on my wife after two years of marriage.
The biggest reason I never left my wife was that I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing my young children on a daily basis (who are now adults), and also the financial difficulties that divorce would bring.
Now I struggle with a different heartache and ask myself: is this how I want to spend my remaining years?
– Unhappy Husband
Dear unhappy: It’s hard to feel sorry for you – the aching man who deliberately chose to marry a very good woman you never loved, because he was so afraid of being hurt.
And yet, I feel compassion for you. I can imagine that, at this point in your life, you can look back and recognize how some of your choices were cowardly.
I also think of your wife. You don’t have much to say about it, which reveals how marginalized it is.
You are also marginalized. You seem to have lost track of your emotional core. Your early broken heart may have traumatized you and hampered your emotional growth. It is as if you close and lock a door.
I suppose that as much as you obviously love your children, you also remain somewhat hidden from them. I hope that, over the years, you have encouraged them to be more emotionally present and courageous than you are.
No, I don’t think that’s how you want to spend the remaining years.
You would definitely benefit from therapy. I am talking about deep and emotional work with a therapist who specializes in working with men in middle age.
Unlocking that locked door will bring you closer to the real man who has been hiding behind your headache and uses infidelity as a remedy and excuse.
Plunging bravely into your capacity for intimacy can even trigger genuine feelings for your wife that you have been repressing.
Dear Amy: As I think about the new year, my thoughts about a past friendship arise.
I’m not sure what I did or said, but in 2016 a dear friend stopped talking to me.
I tried on several occasions to reconnect and included excuses, as I was sure I should have done something to justify this unexpected rejection.
We became friends in 1997, but here I am five years after our last contact and still uneasy with this friend.
I am heartbroken by this. I hope and pray that we can connect again one day. My thought is that maybe I should write a letter (not an email or phone call). Is this a futile step?
I’m just wondering if you have a few wise words to provide, since you have a view of relationships.
I’m not even sure how to start the letter and I’m afraid of being rejected again.
– Still hoping for a friendship
Caro Still Waiting: The worst thing about being a ghost, all of a sudden, is that you are assuming that you said or did something deeply offensive.
According to you, you’ve tried several times to get to the bottom of that break. You have presumably made vague apologies for something you could have done.
But it may not be you. Maybe it’s your friend. People who are depressed, oppressed or ashamed sometimes turn away suddenly.
Send an email or letter to your friend. Do not linger in this silence. Send a message with news updating them on what you have been doing. Say, “I think about you often and would love to hear how you are. I hope you get in touch. “
Dear Amy: One of your readers wondered if having three drinks a night made you an alcoholic.
I can answer first hand: no – until it happens.
Drinking regularly is like playing – the house always wins.
– Recovering in Annapolis, MD
Dear Recovering: What a brilliant response. Congratulations on your recovery and thanks for this wisdom.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.