Dear Amy. Last summer, my niece came to stay with me. She was 18 at the time.
I could tell that one of my adult friends, “Stan”, was attracted to her, so I asked him not to have sex with her.
A few months later, my niece told me that Stan had had sex with her and that she didn’t like it and was not comfortable with it. She asked me not to mention it to him. Finally, she told me that she had resolved it and that they had stopped.
I was upset with Stan because I specifically asked him not to do that. He said it was unfair of me to ask him, since she was not a minor.
I told him it would have been better if he had talked to me instead of me having to find out from my niece, who is upset about it.
It really affected our relationship and I’m not sure it can be repaired.
Stan says that if I had to do it all over again, he would do the same, even though I asked him not to do it.
– angry aunt
Dear Angry: Your tone conveys a sense of ownership, rather than concern, towards this teenager.
You are not your niece’s sexual guardian. On the other hand, you classified your friend as a predator, and your concern was obviously well-placed. But shouldn’t you have talked to your niece about this in advance, instead of losing your breath with him?
Now, your attention must be entirely focused on your niece’s well-being. She is obviously (and understandably) confused about the nature of this sexual relationship. She is fine? Is this right? She may not know, and instead of giving her orders, don’t make as many judgments as possible, so that she feels comfortable talking to you about it.
Follow her to a health clinic to make sure she has counseling on birth control and STD testing.
Talk to her about consent. She has the right to decide what she wants to do sexually. If she does not consent, her choice must be respected, and if she did not consent to what happened last summer, she has the right to go to the police.
In terms of possibly fixing your relationship with “Stan”, I can’t imagine why you would like it. Even if – strictly speaking – his behavior was not illegal, unethical or even any of your business – if you don’t like going out with an unrepentant horn dog, then there is no reason to keep the friendship.
Dear Amy: I am a 74 year old, happy, married woman.
My three adult daughters gave me a birthday present, and what they chose was a vibrator (sex toy)!
I never indicated the need for this and I am shocked and insulted. My husband too.
How should I react to that? The “Stanley” cat likes and purrs when I put it aside.
– Upset mother
Upset Dear: You should get in touch with your daughters, as a group, and ask an open question: “Ladies: What were you thinking about? What’s this about?”
They can answer, “Oh, mom, get a grip – it was a joke!” To what can you say: “Really? Explain exactly what the joke is here, because I don’t understand. On the other hand, it seems to be working for Stanley. He has never been happier. “
Attach a video of the cat with its new sex toy, which should help to make your point of view, seasoned with a little humor.
Dear Amy: My friend and her family help me with projects in my home.
Recently, her husband developed “wandering hands”.
I hug everyone and thank them before they go, and he starts grabbing my back when I hug him. I am disgusted by this. It makes me angry and uncomfortable. I have told him several times to stop and threatened to tell his wife.
He says I’m not going. It’s a complicated situation, since your wife is sick and I can’t imagine adding more to your already full plate.
I’m also afraid that she doesn’t believe me and that it will end our friendship.
I never gave him any reason to believe that I am even remotely interested in him. How do I stop this unwanted behavior and maintain my friendship?
– Upset
Upset Dear: Hire someone else to help around the house. Keep your distance from this man.
If he does it again, call him immediately and in front of other people.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.