Dear Amy: “Bobbie”, an older neighbor of mine, was not a good person. Over the years, she has done harmful things to me, which has benefited her. Despite all this, I maintained a good relationship with her.
Bobbie became friends with “Ted”, a divorced veteran, and used him for many things – from driving her, taking care of the garden, painting the house and lending her a large sum of money to renovate the house.
She and Ted used to spend a short vacation together. After returning from one of those trips, she started to criticize him behind his back, criticized him and told me that she couldn’t stand him. Even so, she continued to travel with him.
After Bobbie’s surgery, Ted came to her house daily to cook for her. I brought food for both of them and learned later that she herself had eaten everything.
Bobbie passed away about a year ago and Ted suffered a lot. He told me that Bobbie was a wonderful person who never said bad words about anyone. I was silent.
Many months have passed and Ted is still in mourning.
If Ted again mentions how wonderful Bobbie was, should I tactfully – without going into detail – let him know that she was not the wonderful person he thought he was? Would telling the truth lessen your pain? Or would breaking your idealized image of her depress you even more?
– Undecided
Dear Undecided: Informing “Ted” that he is a terrible judge of character will not lessen his pain. Instead, this very good man will move on feeling bad about himself, “Bobbie”, and you.
What greater good does it serve?
You seem to have a very high interest in your late neighbor’s relationship with her friend. She is gone now, and you are free to remember her in your own way, but you must not feel compelled to influence the way others remember her.
Dear Amy: I need to know if I’m overreacting or if my daughter is putting her life at risk.
I am 68 years old and I live in a “mother-in-law” studio on my daughter’s property “Kathy”.
I see her and my grandchildren every day and I love it!
During this pandemic, children study at home. My daughter has been looking for new hobbies to keep them busy and engaged.
I recently found out that Kathy and all four of my grandchildren exchange letters with other people. This means that some random strangers have my grandchildren’s names and our physical address!
I asked Kathy what the hell she was doing, and she said that she communicated with these people before exchanging addresses and that she verified and confirmed their identities. She knows them on Facebook (I don’t do anything online).
She says that many people are doing this and that she and the children have made good friends through this thing of correspondents.
I am shocked that she is so stupid! She has no idea who these people are!
They could show up at her house and kill her and kill or kidnap the children!
My son-in-law doesn’t help; he told me it’s a fun thing for them to do.
I’m begging you to tell them to stop!
– Grandmother scared
Dear Grandma: I agree to be cautious when starting correspondence with a friend by correspondence, certainly when children are involved.
Her daughter has been cautious, doing her best to confirm the identity of the people with whom her children are corresponding. Both parents are involved and committed.
I do NOT share your hysteria about this. Mail friends have been around since people can send and receive letters. Many wonderful lifelong friendships began with correspondence between strangers.
Yes, there is always a risk of revealing your identity and address to strangers, but people manage that risk every day in their online worlds.
It would be wise to develop a friendly, non-critical interest in this. In this way, children will be inspired to share their correspondence with you, allowing you to be sure that it is not putting them at risk.
Dear Amy: Sometimes I get frustrated when you refer to things in your column that I’ve never heard of. Not everyone is as familiar with popular TV shows, movies or books as you are.
Please make your answers accessible to everyone.
– Upset
Upset Dear: If you run into a reference you don’t know, I hope you look it up or ask someone to report it.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.