Dear Amy: I am wondering if my brother, “Stan”, discarded me because I would not lend you money.
In 2015, our parents passed away, several months apart.
Stan and I inherited $ 20,000 each. I kept my money on CDs. I don’t know what Stan did with his inheritance.
He always had a bad habit of borrowing money from relatives and never paying it back.
About a year after my parents died, Stan called to ask if I could lend him $ 30,000. He never said what he wanted the money for.
I told him that my money was tied up in certificates of deposit and that I would have to pay a fine to withdraw the money. (I had no intention of sending money to him, anyway, since he is such a bad risk.)
He looked annoyed and ended the call.
Stan has never called me since. Before the last call asking for money, he called me about once a month. Now, if I don’t call him, I’ll never hear from him.
I try hard to call him once or twice a year and he looks very nice, but it’s always me trying to keep in touch.
Do you think my brother discarded me because I would not lend you money?
– sad sister
Dear Sad: The problem with debt is this: it leads to shame, embarrassment, displacement and detachment.
Getting into debt is a spiritual, emotional, financial and relational anvil, tied around the ankle and weighing.
I assure you that if you had lent your brother $ 30,000, you would never see the money again and your brother would never answer the phone again. Fortunately, you have not become part of his debt problem.
Still, he answers the phone when you call. So, keep calling.
He may have a major problem that interferes with his ability to contact you. All you owe him is to do your part, which is to like and love him as best you can. And all he owes you is to pick up the phone.
Dear Amy: My daughter’s boyfriend for seven years regularly cancels his plans to join us at a last minute event.
They have lived together for more than five years and he is very dear to the family. He didn’t show up for casual pizza parties, waived participation in entertainment programs, which my daughter paid for, and gave up helping us move the furniture, which made me struggle to find someone else.
Last Christmas, he showed up, brought gifts from their car, and sat in the car, insisting that my daughter take him home.
On Thanksgiving Day, he called when we were going to eat to say he wouldn’t come. The reasons for so many events? Migraine, stomach pain, colds, etc. He occasionally apologizes.
I don’t know how to approach this with him or my daughter, or if I should just ignore it. He is supposed to never lose his job and see his own family.
Ideas?
– Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: Your daughter’s boyfriend may have serious social anxiety. This may explain some of the physical symptoms that he reports having missed an obligation. He can be extremely introverted and easily exhausted by being around other people.
Unfortunately for you, I think you should just not expect to see it. He was extremely reliable (for whatever reason) when he was forced to show up. And so, you shouldn’t trust him, because doing so will only cause you to be disappointed over and over again.
You can start by asking your daughter if she can explain some of his behavior. This is certainly difficult for her, and you must make sure that she is well and is able to deal with her challenging partner.
Dear Amy: The “Painful” letter about your cheating boyfriend seemed like an old story.
She found incriminating messages on her iPad.
He claimed he was hacked.
People need to understand something about hacking: hackers don’t chase individuals – they attack big companies, banks, governments, etc.
His comparison of his excuse with “the dog ate my homework” was correct.
(Although once, the dog really ate my homework!)
– Computer connoisseur
Dear Savvy: You made an excellent point about hacking. Repeatedly, when individuals claim to have been hacked, this turns out to be a false clue. And – like a herring – the claim quickly begins to rot.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
© 2020 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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