Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 37 years. During our marriage, our sex life was good (but infrequent).
Our children grew up and moved. My husband has heart problems and is taking a lot of medication.
These drugs make it impossible to have sex and he cannot take ED medications like Viagra due to his heart problems.
These problems made my husband very upset and he stopped wanting sex all together. I have said many times that I understand perfectly, and he is no less a man in my eyes.
But now there is nothing – no sex, no kisses. Nothing. He hardly pays any attention to me. He sneaks into the TV room when he’s at home.
I feel very alone and alone. I need advice on how to talk to him about it.
– lost and alone
Dear Lost: Sexual dysfunction and loss of libido are common in men who have had heart surgery or treatment for heart disease. (Your husband should see the doctor!)
My theory is that it proactively avoids affectionate physical contact because it associates this type of contact with the practice of sex. Because of his libido, impotence and other medical problems, he is avoiding romantic contact because he cannot face physical risk – and the fear and strange conversations that force him to face this extremely painful problem.
Over time, moving away from physical contact to avoid sex has led him to move away in other ways.
You want to hug, hold hands and kiss your husband. The way back would be to make eye contact, tell him that you love him and that you would like to hold hands with him and continue to live together. Will he be holding hands with you for five minutes? Set a timer.
Practice touching and showing physical warmth and assessing your comfort.
When he is confident that physical affection will not lead to sex, pressure for sex and all the discomfort that surrounds him, he will feel more comfortable being physically close to you. Physical proximity, warmth and comfort will be good for your relationship – and also for his health.
Dear Amy: In recent years, my friend has become increasingly involved in empowering herself through books, blogs and podcasts.
It all started after a separation about five years ago, and she found strength, security and solidarity in the gospel of self-assertion and authentic life.
Now, every conversation is dominated by her eradicating “toxicity” in everyone else’s relationships and she is continually making room for us to “live our truths” as she sees them.
She stopped dating, saying that every man she meets suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (a disorder that she retroactively applied to her ex), and she discourages everyone in the dating group because of it.
Pandemic isolation has only accelerated the problem, and we can no longer speak without her talking at length about what everyone needs to do to achieve the balance she feels.
Our group of friends is very pro-therapy in general, but this friend says that whenever she tries therapy, she ends up advising the therapist more than the other way around. Now it is affecting her professional life, as a colleague told the boss that she is patronizing and a bad listener.
I miss my friend. How do you help someone who is so convinced that he has helped himself?
– Self-defense
Dear Helpless: If your self-updated and evangelizing friend feels so strongly about everyone around you “speaking the truth,” then this saying applies to you too.
I am not saying it would be an easy conversation, but it is necessary for friends to tell each other the truth. This is the burden and the joy of friendship.
Start your conversation with this phrase: “Can I offer any feedback?”
Wait for her answer.
Use “I statements”: “I feel that you have stopped listening to me because you are too focused on providing guidance. Now – I need a friend, not a life coach. “
Dear Amy: “A Fan, Not an Alum in Chicago” wondered about wearing college t-shirts that she didn’t attend.
The late, great comedian Mitch Hedberg told a joke about doing college programs and always buying a T-shirt at the college bookshop: “One day, while walking down the street, someone shouted at me, ‘Hey, Wash U, did you go there? ‘I shouted back’ Yes, it was a Wednesday! ‘ “
– Comedy fan
Dear fan: Another joke by Hedberg: “I’m against pickets, but I don’t know how to show it.”
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.