Dear Amy: I recently decided to move in with my mom and younger sister for the rest of the pandemic.
The problem is that I find myself thinking extremely unpleasant things about them, because they are both overweight.
I find myself thinking almost obsessively about how disgusting their bodies are and feeling irritated by the way they eat and their unhealthy lifestyle.
Perhaps part of it comes from the fact that I was nervous about my own weight – even more so during the pandemic.
Do you have any advice on how to be kinder and less critical?
How to get space for petty and prejudiced thought patterns? I don’t want to be like that.
I have a therapist, but I actually think I was ashamed to be honest about how ugly my internal monologue is, because I am disgusted with him.
– Secret Mean Girl
Dear evil girl: I give you credit for admitting how your harsh judgment of others affects your own self-esteem.
If you come from a family where people compulsively eat their feelings (they’ve been, they ate it), being back at home triggers your own fears of disordered eating.
Sometimes, our most severe judgments about others will reveal our own vulnerabilities.
This may seem a bit far-fetched, but I believe that you and your family are struggling with a broadly defined concept of “self-love”. Both calm down and punish themselves by overeating. You punish yourself by hating your own attitude.
Consider the concept of “radical acceptance”. Learning to truly accept a situation or person while being exposed to your flaws and weaknesses will free you.
I think of it as learning to love people “… anyway”.
Tell your therapist! Exposing what you hate about yourself is how you will begin to heal.
Amy Dickinson, author of the ‘Ask Amy’ column.TNS
Dear Amy: About five years ago, my mother gave each of her four daughters something from her home, preparing for a move.
I received silver from the family because my surname matches the engraving. My two younger sisters received small trinkets and family heirlooms.
The problem is with our older sister, who received all the photo albums.
There are about eight of them, one dedicated to each of the daughters, relatives, our parents and ancestors.
Amy, this is my past!
Our sister will not share these photos. It will not bring them to family functions. It will not scan them and make copies for us.
She doesn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that they exist.
The rest of us have asked her several times. We offer the purchase of new photo albums to replace when the photos fall from the original albums. She says it was given to her and there is nothing we can do about it.
My mom tried to reason with her, but she didn’t move.
My father tried to reason with her before he passed away. Well, now my kids don’t know any of their grandparents, great-grandparents or great-grandparents because of my older sister.
How can I make her see what she did to my family?
– Injured in Ohio
Dear Hurt: Your question is quite common: when distributing family heirlooms, a brother ends up with the entire collection of family photos; if they don’t share it, it can create a generation – or more – of resentment.
This could be avoided if elders did not treat family photos as an item, like a chifforobe passed down – to be left to a child. The photos must be distributed among the descendants, who can then share them – or exchange them. That way, even if a brother refused to show or share his stock of photos, the other photos would still be in the family’s memory.
I think it’s possible – or likely – that your sister willfully want to hurt you and your other sisters. Could this be about you getting all the silver?
You and your sisters can offer to “exchange” various items they received to access the photos.
Otherwise, these photos were given to her, and I don’t think you have many resources to force her to share them.
Dear Amy: Wow, you really woke up on the wrong side of the pipe with your stupid answer to “Smoked Out”, the housewife who didn’t like her husband’s daily habit of smoking weed.
You described this guy as “always more or less baked”. This is not true!
– You’re wrong
Dear Wrong: If someone smokes from time to time, all day (as this man did), it is logical that the effects would remain in his system. Otherwise, why smoke?
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
© 2020 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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