Dear Amy: My brother, “Harold” died unexpectedly of an infection in December.
It was a shock for me and our other brother, because he was always the healthiest of us.
I was never close to my sister-in-law, and her adult children are living their lives. I sent a condolence card to each of them, but I received nothing in return.
They are the only family I have, so I don’t know how to stay connected.
What do you suggest?
– Bereaved Sister
Dear Grieving: As your brother died suddenly – during a pandemic – your wife and children may be reeling in their own sockets, unable to be expansive enough to understand that you are also suffering.
In less isolated times, when people can get together to mourn, family members can get together and comfort each other personally.
I am sorry that you are experiencing such acute pain.
Since you want to establish a closer connection (good for you!), You should call your sister-in-law from time to time to check on her and her children.
Also contact adult children in person. Social media offers a wonderful way to connect and essentially meet people in a new way. If any of these relatives are active on Facebook or Instagram, it would be worth creating an account (if you don’t already have one) and see if you can connect with them.
Dear Amy: I think my husband is having an affair. I know this by looking at their behavior. Your phone is constantly ringing, day and night. He stands with his back against the wall to check his phone, so I can’t see him when he gets home. He’s constantly cleaning up his story. He is very protective of the phone and is very defensive when I try to talk to him about it.
He is also narcissistic and is very fond of pornography. He was always dishonest.
When we were engaged, I caught him having sex with his ex-wife, who was one of my closest friends. His mother even warned me about how dishonest he is.
He refuses to work on our relationship and is emotionally abusive and immature.
I have been praying, going to church and doing everything I can to support and help you, but in the end it is your choice to continue with these behaviors. He acts like he doesn’t care. It does not change. He does not go to counseling for help.
I feel taken for granted and used. He just wants me as a base and wants to continue communicating with many women next door.
I believe he fell in love with me. The sparkle in his eyes is gone and he will not communicate.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I have already considered the separation, but I don’t think it will fix anything, because he refuses to change.
I don’t want a divorce because I love it.
– confused
Dear confused: In fact, separation can solve everything. Everything.
The separation would remove you from your husband’s orbit. You wouldn’t have to watch him as he tries to mask what he’s doing at home and under his nose. You would not be forced to look into your eyes without love and without shine.
You would not have to confront him about his dishonesty or listen to his lies and defensive responses to his claims.
You don’t have to stop loving your husband. You need to start loving yourself. You need to grow up, accept that you can’t force your husband to change, and take responsibility for having chosen to marry someone you don’t trust. Counseling would help you.
You strongly believe in the power of change. Then change!
Dear Amy: With a lot of time available in the past year, I have been scanning hundreds of photos I haven’t seen in decades.
I am grateful for all the romantic relationships I have had, and some of these photos document these old relationships.
I would be very interested in your and readers’ opinions about my obligations, if any, to such images.
Do I destroy them? Offer to share with former partners? And, more delicately, some of these images show tasteful nudity – not explicit (I worked as a professional photographer in my youth).
Should they be treated differently?
– embers
Dear Embers: I think you should ask other people in the pictures (in particular, not on social media) if they would like these pictures. If not, offer to delete them.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.