Dear Amy: For several years now, we have a small group of very close friends, with whom we basically do everything.
All of our children play together, although they attend different schools.
Our children do not have the option of online learning and are attending a live school. They are at home. Because of this, families have been kept apart.
It has been emotionally difficult for us. We miss them and we cannot help feeling excluded, as we cannot participate in any of their group activities.
In October, when I included a few phrases in a group email about our son playing football, I received a very angry / upset email response.
I was told how much hearing this news upset my friend (to the point of crying), because they have kept their children at home, without outside activities.
She said she didn’t want to hear about my children’s activities.
I apologized, but since then she has fantasized about me.
Are we being socially irresponsible? We made the decision about football because all the children in my son’s class were enrolled. We decided that the risk of increased exposure was quite low.
But, regardless of our level of comfort with the risk of exposure to our own family, is it irresponsible to take any risks (large or small) in the context of the general social impact of a possible spread of this disease?
I think that’s why my friend is so mad at us. We try to minimize exposure outside the home (the holidays this year were just our own home) and we wear masks everywhere, but obviously we haven’t been isolated as much as some.
I cried more this year than in all my other years together.
– Solitary and ghostly
Dear Lonely: You seem to believe that your friend is judging you as being socially irresponsible for having your child involved in activities that his school considered safe.
I don’t interpret her reaction in the same way. She is kidnapped – quarantined, basically – with her children. This is such a tender moment, you can certainly imagine that your relative privileges make you sad about the family situation.
It reminds me of a time when I felt particularly stuck and lonely (due to work, personal obligations and financial constraints). Someone I really love continued to post pictures of their wonderful long trip to the Amalfi Coast.
In that case, I could “hide” these posts until I feel less sensitive and more expansive. In the case of a group email, the recipient cannot eliminate the lines that make him so envious and sad.
You’ve been crying, I’ve been crying, we’ve all been crying.
And now let’s try to recognize each other’s tenderness in the same way that we feel ours and respond with compassion.
I suggest that you keep in touch with your friend. Don’t touch that sore spot; instead, try to reestablish your previous friendly contact. She and the children may like to receive cards and letters sent by mail.
Dear Amy: Like many, I’m looking forward to my turn for the COVID-19 vaccine. But I face a certain ethical / moral dilemma.
I am in a high-risk category, over 65, obese, with high blood pressure (under good control with medication). This will probably put me at the top of the vaccine list.
I am very lucky to have a job where I work from home and can access groceries and other necessities through pickup or delivery. In other words, except for occasional visits to the doctor, I DO NOT NEED to leave.
Do you think it is right for me to get the vaccine as soon as I am eligible? I absolutely think that healthcare professionals should be vaccinated as soon as possible. But what about people who work in supermarkets, restaurants or other places? Is it okay for me to get in line in front of them?
– Wrestling
Dear Wrestling: If you have no (or extremely limited) contact with other people, then it seems more ethical for you to wait for a vaccine. I hope that, with wide distribution, that kind of choice is not necessary.
Dear Amy: “Sugar Mama” didn’t like her boyfriend’s fiscal irresponsibility.
When my wife and I got married, we established three current accounts: ours, his and hers. Each of us deposited equally in “Our” and was used to pay all joint and domestic bills.
Neither of us was allowed to question how the other used his (small) personal account.
– Feliz Married for 30 Years
Dear Happily Married: This was basically my suggestion for “Sugar Mama”.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.