Joe Biden gave his first press conference on Thursday. No president has ever waited so long to answer questions in public, and we weren’t sure it would happen. A White House reporter saw Biden walking slowly and asked if he was ready for his first press conference. “What press conference?” Biden replied. Apparently, in the end, someone told him. An employee pointed at Biden in the direction of the tape mark on the floor and gave him a shove.
Biden crawled and started to speak. And pausing and talking a little more. And then taking a break. Have you ever heard the term “pregnant break?” Joe Biden’s breaks were quintuple from the third quarter. These breaks were about to explode.
JOE BIDEN: So, the best way to do something … if you, if you hold it close and dear to you that you, uh, um, would like to be able to … well, anyway … I am. .. we will do a lot.
Do you understand, America? We will do a lot. Quite. Of course, we will do a lot more and confuse a lot less people if we go ahead and read our political positions on small pieces of paper that others have painstakingly prepared for us. That way, we won’t lose consciousness in the middle of a sentence or accidentally start a war.
PHOTOS SHOW BIDEN’S “CHEAT LEAVES” DURING THE FIRST FORMAL PRESS CONFERENCE
So when the subject of North Korea came up, Joe Biden knew exactly what to do. He found his piece of paper and started to read the words that were written on it.
BIDEN: We are consulting our allies and partners and, uh, there will be, uh, answers if they decide to escalate, uh, we will respond accordingly. But I am also prepared for some form of diplomacy.
This must be quite intimidating for North Koreans, who were obviously watching in real time. They have nuclear weapons in Pyongyang now, and that means that they probably also have cable TV. Do not underestimate these people. They are cunning.
Of course, the North Koreans were already very afraid of Joe Biden. They know he means it. They remember the time when Biden beat the entire Kim family with a chain. He and Nelson Mandela, in ’86. You heard the story, but they lived it. It is part of their tradition.
A LOOK AT THE KEY MOMENTS OF THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL BIDEN NEWS CONFERENCE
And now this: North Korea is facing not just Joe Biden’s manhood, but a whole piece of paper with instructions that Joe Biden is perfectly willing to read whenever he needs it. This card is Joe Biden’s secret weapon in the fight against nuclear proliferation. You can breathe easily, America, and that is good news, because we have our own problems in this country. One of our biggest problems is voting. It is getting harder and harder to vote.
There are some people in the United States – fanatics, let’s call them what they are – who demand that we know the identity of voters before letting them choose our government. They want people to show identities at the polls, if you can imagine it, in 2021. These fanatics, explained Joe Biden, are Republicans.
BIDEN: And therefore, I am convinced that we will be able to prevent this because it is the most pernicious thing. That makes Jim Crow look like Jim Eagle.
Jim Eagle? Who is Jim Eagle? A 1950s comic book hero? Some kind of pony soldier with a dog face? We didn’t know who Jim Eagle was, so we ran to our Google machines to look for him. Then we realized – duh! – we are being very literal here. It is an analogy. Crow. Eagle. Both are birds, but an eagle is much bigger than a crow. This means that asking people to show a driver’s license when they vote is much more racist than segregation and lynching. Segregation and lynching were Jim Crow. The voters are Jim Eagle. Much worse.
BIDEN IGNORES FOX NEWS DOOCY, HIS ‘BINDER FULL OF QUESTIONS’
It makes sense when you think about it. Most blacks do not have government-issued identity documents. That’s why they can’t drive cars, or have jobs, or fly on planes, or stay in hotels, or go to the doctor, or cash checks, or sign rental contracts, or buy houses, or open bank accounts, or buy Sudafed at CVS. Blacks cannot do any of these things because they simply have no identities. Millions and millions of them have no IDs. It’s sad, as Joe Biden often points out. You might think that the solution to this tragedy would be to make it easier for Americans to obtain identities
No. Joe Biden has a better idea: just make sure that no one ever needs to show an identity to vote. That way, the millions and millions of blacks who somehow do not have identity documents will not feel bad or excluded. They still won’t be able to drive cars, or have a job, or a bank account, or live anywhere, but at least they can vote a lot, and the rest of us won’t be racist. Problem solved. As Joe Biden just told us, he is going to do a lot.
Not just for the next four years, by the way, but for the next four years. Joe Biden is running again. He told us that Thursday too. At the end of his second term, Joe Biden will be 86 years old. That’s a whole decade beyond the life expectancy of the average American man (which, for the record, Joe Biden has already exceeded). But there is nothing mediocre about Joe Biden. Time improves it. Like certain varieties of artisanal cheese, Joe Biden was made to be aged. It just gets sharper and more poignant. Your next campaign will be even more tasty.
NANCY CORDES, CBS NEWS: Have you decided if you are going to run for re-election in 2024? You have not yet set up a re-election campaign, as your predecessor had already done.
BIDEN SAYS IT’S ITS ‘EXPECTATION’ TO LOOK FOR REELECTION IN 2024
BIDEN: My predecessor needed it. (laughs) My predecessor. Oh, God, I miss him. My answer is yes. My plan is to run for re-election. That is my expectation.
“My plan is to run for re-election.” Well, we weren’t in the room when Joe Biden said that, but according to those who were, there was a sigh of audible horror behind the curtain.
Sources said it looked a lot like Kamala Harris. We cannot confirm this. But we can say that Joe Biden has already chosen a theme for this next campaign. The theme is unity.
“Wait a second”, you may be thinking. “Wasn’t ‘unity’ the theme of Biden’s last campaign, the one that ended in November?” Yes. But that was not enough unit. There is more unity on the way, ladies and gentlemen – buckets full of it, tractor trailers full. Imagine all the pools in Malibu, covered to the edge with unity, and then add all the pools in Bel-Air. It is how much unity we are talking about. And by unity, of course, we mean policies that make Americans hate each other much more than ever. That’s what Joe Biden has given us so far. Soon we will have more.
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BIDEN: The third reason you said you were running was to bring the country together. And generally speaking, you all said, “No, you can’t do that.” Well, I was unable to bring Congress together, but I was able to unite the country based on the survey data. We have to be together.
Oh, “the survey data”. Washington’s real currency. We haven’t checked the polling data ticker today, but we have to say that we approach that specific statement with some degree of skepticism. Not all of Joe Biden’s unifying policies have totally unified the country yet. They are still some eccentric remnants in the depths of the American interior that are not entirely convinced of their new program of being scolded, humiliated, disarmed and taxed to poverty and helplessness. These people are intolerant, obviously. They are probably friends with the evangelical wacky snake handlers who complain when a guy shows up in his eight-year-old daughter’s locker room. Whatever it is. You cannot please everyone.
But do you know who you can please, if it’s Joe Biden? The media. The reporters are very pleased. They are a group that remains fully united in their love and support for Joe Biden (and the survey data shows this). Joe Biden knows this very well. But he is not serving reporters. Joe Biden is bigger than that. It’s not like The Washington Post is a Delaware credit card company. He doesn’t need to drool over them.
On Thursday, Joe Biden explained that despite his massive successes on our southern border, the ones you are seeing on TV, he is not ready to show reporters exactly what he is doing there. This is for him to know and for them to find out.
LARRY KUDLOW SAYS BIDEN IS ‘REVERSING INCENTIVES FOR MORE WORK’
KRISTEN WELKER, NBC NEWS: We haven’t seen the facilities where children are actually packed together, to give the American people a chance to see that. Will you commit to transparency on this issue?
BIDEN: I will commit to transparency as soon as I am in a position to implement what we are doing now …
Well, this is kind of unusual. It is not common to hear a politician admit that he is rejecting openness and embracing secrecy. They usually lie about it. Not Joe Biden. Biden tends to say things not said out loud. “We are opaque like a shower curtain,” he told the press today, “and there is nothing you can do about it.”
It is very provocative. Course is. But provocative in a way that reporters like. They are mischievous, these reporters. They like to be teased. Deny them what they ask for and they want more from you. A lady from the state media, also known as National Public Radio, was delighted to describe the remarkable personal qualities of her boss, Joe Biden.
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YAMICHE ALCINDOR, NPR: You have said repeatedly that immigrants should not come to this country now. This is not the time to come. This message is not being received. Instead, the perception of you, who elected you – as a moral and decent man – is the reason why many immigrants are coming to this country and trusting you unaccompanied minors.
When you call a man “moral” and “decent” in your question, it kind of sets the picture, as they say. But the end result is that a “decent and moral man” is running this country, ladies and gentlemen. That is the message of unity. And, by the way, it’s a mandatory message, so repeat it to yourself five times and then repeat it to your friends. If not, you are racist.
This article was adapted from the opening commentary by Tucker Carlson in the March 25, 2021 edition of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”.