“When we study people who have excellent sex for a long term in a relationship, they don’t describe spontaneous desire as a characteristic,” she said.
So, what do they describe? When clinical psychologists Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard conducted a study for their book “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, ” they found that the components of great sex were consistent in gender, sexuality and a number of other descriptors and tastes. They included things like communication, empathy, vulnerability, connection and being present in the moment. They emphasized ignoring notions of romantic spontaneity and instead embracing deliberation and making a plan.
Great sex, they found, doesn’t just happen. It requires intentionality. Don’t be afraid to put it on your agenda, if necessary. Because while you can’t plan for great sex, you can, as Dr. Kleinplatz and Dr. Menard put it in their book, “intentionally create the conditions under which magic can occur.”
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While experiencing low sex drive during a pandemic can be normal and understandable, there are things you can do to increase the desire in a relationship. One thing that science says increases excitement is a new experience. Not just sexual, but anything to increase your heart rate.
This can be a good time for people to “open up a dialogue with their partner (s) about their relationship in general, as well as their personal desires, fantasies, needs, etc.,” Dr. Luetke, who studies the connection between conflict and sexual intimacy at Indiana University, he wrote in an email. If these conversations are unfamiliar to you, she recommended hiring a sex therapist.
Or find another way to increase your heart rate. You may not be able to ride a roller coaster or dance at a crowded show, but you can still do a workout on YouTube, go for a walk with your partner or watch a horror movie together after the kids are asleep. Some research suggests that getting excited about your partner makes that person look younger and therefore sexually attractive by association.
Complete the stress cycle.
When your brain perceives a threat (a lion, say, chasing you), your body activates the sympathetic nervous system, which sends chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol to help you run faster or fight harder. As soon as the threat passes (you ran away; you killed the lion), the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, taking you out of the fight or flight mode and returning your body to a state of calm.