Dear readers: Every year, during this period, I move away from my column to work on other creative projects. I hope you like these (edited) “Best” questions and answers from 10 years ago.
Today’s topic is: Non-social media.
I also invite readers to subscribe to my weekly newsletter “Asking Amy” at Amydickinson.substack.com, where I post my favorite questions and answers, as well as comments on what I’m reading, watching and listening to.
I will be back with new columns next week.
Dear Amy: I have known the father and stepmother of a dear friend for many years. Recently, my friend’s father made me a “friend” on Facebook. I was happy at first, but he writes diatribes for almost everything I post and uses obscene (somewhat “coded”) language.
It is very strange and disturbing. I asked him not to use the language, and he seems to have stepped back a little, but he spends a lot of time on Facebook and a lot of time “challenging” me on political and religious matters.
Without offending my friend, how can I prevent this?
Dear Facebook: You tried to influence this person to behave differently, but he is an adult and can do whatever he wants. So you can.
You could “push it away” or “block it”, but if you think it would cause something more unpleasant, you can limit his access to your posts.
The two of you would still be friends on Facebook, but if he doesn’t see your posts, he won’t have much to defend.
I don’t think there is any reason to involve your (really) friend in this, unless you are concerned about her father’s health. If this man contacts you asking why he is not seeing all your updates, be honest and say that his answers bothered you. So accept the fact that he may not like that reaction.
(August 2011)
Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law “Wendy” uses Facebook to complain about her job, her boss, how much she feels betrayed by being a working mother, and even about the shortcomings of her new husband (my son), who apparently didn’t buy her a day gift generous enough.
These posts create a kind of online persona that makes her look cruel, and she really isn’t. But the really embarrassing part is that she is a “friend” on Facebook of everyone in my family and, believe me, her posts are not a very flattering topic of gossip.
I mentioned to my son a few times when her posts became offensive and he is trying to deal with it offline.
Worried mother-in-law
Dear Concerned: When her daughter-in-law posts her complaints, selfishness or negativity on the public notice board that is Facebook, she risks ruining her personal and professional reputation. And that is her problem.
When her whining arrives in the family’s territory, that’s your problem.
A kind and respectful “warning” (for her) is in order, so you should step back, adjust your settings (metaphorically and on Facebook) and stop reading your posts.
(September 2011)
Dear Amy: My father’s policy is in conflict with the rest of the family.
He continues to send us radical and hateful articles. We keep asking him to stop, but when he drinks too much (which is almost every night), he sends us articles with messages like, “You won’t be so hard on me after reading this factual article” (which isn’t ).
I asked him to stop sending me political emails, but he doesn’t speak to me for days.
Sometimes, he doesn’t remember sending me anything (because of the drink) and his feelings are hurt because he has no idea why I’m so hard on him. I try to follow the right path, but I’m also not going to let him intimidate me. What can I do to prevent him from bothering me, besides excluding him from my life?
Desperate Daughter
Dear daughter: You think it’s an offensive or unwanted email, but I think it’s about your father’s drinking. You say that his drinking is excessive enough for him to do things he doesn’t remember doing, so your feelings are hurt when you (or other people) react to your actions.
You should automatically delete his messages for you, or have an email from him sent directly to your “spam” folder for you to review periodically.
Did anyone in your family ask your father to ask for help to stop drinking? You can anticipate denial and / or belligerence by doing this, which is not much different from how he relates to you.
(August 2011)
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