Skippy brand owner buys Mr. Peanut, with no guarantee of his safety

In what looks like a spiritually sinister movement, Yahoo! reports that Kraft is selling the Planters peanut brand to Hormel, which also owns Spam and Skippy. The sale was for an incredible $ 3.35 billion. Holy shit, this is a lot of money. All those Mr. Peanuts, grown, sold and eaten. Baby peanuts? Or maybe it’s Bart. Whatever your name is, man, I think it’s over. I see a sharpener in your future, unless we break it with your contract.

Even before the pandemic, Kraft was struggling because customers began to move away from processed foods. Now it is discarding brands to focus exclusively on those that are making money, like Lunchables. (Lunchables. Who knew?) Last year, Kraft sold Polly-O and Breakstone to French company Lactalis for $ 3.2 billion. That’s a lot of cream and ricotta, guys.

The sale of Planters to Hormel means that Spam folks get the entire product line, including Cheez Balls, Cheez Curls below Cheetos, trail mix, nut mix and the ever-breaking Corn Nuts.

Hormel is planning to give the Planters brand some TLC, as he did with Skippy when he bought it eight years ago. After a few messes, she managed to turn Skippy into a brand powerhouse, investing in advertising along with new product lines, like squeeze packaging and sugar-free versions and extra protein from peanut butter.

Now, I have a proposal for you, Hormel: use the same machine you use to grind peanut butter, but with Spam. What I am seeing is a Spam butter, spread quickly on soft white bread and on people’s faces. Or maybe pieces of Spam mixed in a trail mix to create a balanced meal. Or one frozen pizza! There are stars and dollars in my eyes, Hormel. Just trust me.