Many, many years have passed since I recapitulated The real New Jersey housewives, So there is something you should know about me before we start: I hate Teresa Giudice with the burning passion of a million, billion suns. Sorry, there is no room for Tre’s hugs here because there is a deep dislike for her that is pulled from the depths of my soul. I don’t love to hate you, as I do with Jennifer Aydin, who I find exasperating in group interactions, but captivating when dealing with her family. I hate to hate her. I hate her so much that I think she needs to get off my television screen.
I appreciate everything she did for the Real Housewives franchise, and I think she is an excellent practitioner of the arts and sciences of reality television. But I think her time should have ended as soon as her plot started, you know, committing real crimes for which she went to prison and then made a passive profit by continuing that plot on a reality show and writing a book about it all at the same time. time that shows as little remorse as there is a market for its Fabulinis, that is, none. That said, I will try to bring fair and balanced reactions to her this season, but, well, we didn’t start well, Tre and I. The show, however, had an excellent start.
It all starts at the party for Jackie’s husband, Evan, 173 rare steaks wrapped in the physique of a Greek god. It is the first major event of a post-COVID summer, and everyone is ready to put on real clothes, leave the house and show off all the plastic surgery they did while the cameras were off and had plenty of time to heal. Margaret made her breasts, and they look incredible, but not as good as her face, which looks a little tighter on the lips, but totally renewed and rejuvenated. Is this surgery or just a break?
Dolores operated the most. She says: “I did an abdominoplasty, liposuction and raised my ass a little”. Did she mean that she just got a little better or did she just want us to think it’s not a big deal? In addition, a butt lift is not something you can take just a little, like Botox or tiramisu. We saw the scars; it looks like a big deal. Her ex, Frank, says it looks like she was cut like a plaice. “Well, my ass was struggling,” she says. Gold star for Dolores.
Her boyfriend, David, did not love surgery and he is a doctor. She didn’t tell him until just before going to the hospital, because he thinks elective surgery is wrong. Oh yes, we received an incredible update from David and Dolores. So she never moved into the house the two of them were building together, which is the best showroom at Pottery Barn – with dull sofas in good taste and strange nautical lights in the corners – I’ve ever seen. She still lives with her ex-husband, Frank, while her son, Frankie, is living with David.
I love a modern arrangement, so I find it just wonderful and much more sophisticated than anyone in this strange family diamond situation. But I am with Dodo; if he is not going to take things to the next level, who is he to tell her how to live her life? “What I love about our relationship is that I have the freedom to do what I want and I don’t demand the commitment I thought I needed,” she says. Bake this in your ziti and call Brownstone because we need a celebration.
Anyway, everyone shows up at Evan’s party with their new breasts, asses and faces. Jackie hired a party planner for this event, which seems strange because he is under a tent in the parking lot of a restaurant. I know, COVID’s restrictions suck. But I could tell you how to set up a tent in a parking lot, and the restaurant is right there. Just ask them to answer. How much more planning do you need to do? A bartender? Just get Frankie to hire three of his crazy gym friends. Bada-bing, we have an amateur strip club for Evan’s birthday. Exactly what he wanted.
What he didn’t want was for Teresa to go out to her 46th birthday party by talking shit about him. Well, he also doesn’t want fat, out-of-shape kids, and will force them to do squats and lunges while holding logs over their heads, which looks like something that would have been put in the pillory in a Charles Dickens novel. While Jackie talks about how much she loves him, Teresa says to Melissa, “I heard that Evan does things?” Melissa is confused. What kind of thing? Teresa says she heard that he “does things at the gym”. Okay, yes, what kind of things are we talking about? Butt things? Double Stuf? Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man’s Stuff? We’re talking about jacking off sessions in the sauna, because I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a men’s locker room, but … yes. Teresa says she heard Evan “cheat on her” at the gym. She can’t remember who told her because, “You know me, I just forget things.”
Teresa then tells everyone in the cast that she heard an unspecified rumor from an unknown source that Evan does unverified things with mysterious people who are not his wife in an alternate dimension known as Champion Gym in Tenafly, New Joisey. Everyone, for one person, including Jackie’s sworn enemy Jennifer, thinks this is disgusting. It’s so disgusting that at the end of the night, Margaret’s husband, Joe Benigno, is vomiting next to a trash can. Oh no, wait. Those were the kamikaze photos. The only thing more College Night at Ruby Tuesday’s than taking kamikaze doses is to throw them up in the back bin.
Jackie finds this out, and before all the girls leave for a long weekend at Lake George, she wants to talk to Teresa about what she said. They decide to meet at Margaret Joseph’s Maximalist House of Wonder, where everything is velvet furniture with a psychedelic pattern in front of green crocodile wallpaper in a hallway covered in Missoni prints and the taxidermy trophies of rare animals. As a lawyer, as she will always remind you, Jackie has a calm and rational argument in favor of Teresa. She says that Teresa shared a rumor on camera that could have devastating effects on her and her family. “You have to admit that whoever told you this doesn’t know me and Evan doesn’t know what they’re talking about. You have to admit that this is a lie, ”Jackie pleads with Teresa, an imbecile to whom a person with a JD has had to prostrate himself in the front for the past three seasons.
One of Teresa’s many fatal flaws is that she cannot admit that she is wrong. She won’t say, “I’m sorry. Yes, I heard that, but I don’t believe it and I think it’s false. “No, she has to bend over and say,” Well, it’s not like I said his at his party. ” OK yes. I get it, but even worse, you talked about it behind your back to all your friends.
I would like to dismantle all points of Teresa’s argument because it is absolutely ridiculous. She won’t tell Jackie who told her that rumor, possibly because she doesn’t remember and possibly because she made it up herself, or possibly because she’s trying to protect someone. I think it’s a combination of these three and the person she is trying to protect is Teresa Giudice. Jackie asks if this person knows her and Evan. “I’m not sure,” says Teresa. “Obviously, they do if they tell me.” The question is, does this person really know the two as a couple or does he just know who the two are because that person saw them on a very popular television show? Teresa cannot say.
Then Teresa says: “Where there is smoke, there is fire”. Yes, this is often true, but Teresa did not see the smoke or the fire. She poured gasoline in the whole situation, threw a lit Zippo inside, watched it explode and said: “Hey guys, look at that smoke!”
Her next argument is that, now that she’s single, many married guys are after her and want to have affairs. Okay, well, was Evan one of those people? No? So that point doesn’t even make sense. We know that many married men have affairs. Just, I don’t know, look at your ex-husband’s behavior on camera.
After Jackie says that she is an intelligent woman and knows that Teresa is lying, Teresa says: “If you are an intelligent girl and you know that he is not cheating on you, then get up.” Um, hello! What do you think she’s doing in this room ?!
Jackie accuses Teresa of spreading a rumor, and she says, “I didn’t spread a rumor. I heard a rumor. ”Yes, you heard a rumor and didn’t just say,” How crazy. ” You didn’t collect, as Jennifer says, receipts and get it right. You just started telling people at a party, whether you like it or not. If you spread a melted Magnum bar on all of these people, someone would say that you are spreading ice cream (delicious chocolate covered ice cream) all over the party. Now imagine that Magnum is a rumor. Yes, you have spread how I am going to spread my legs after this pandemic is over.
Finally, Jackie tries to use logic with Teresa. It will never work. Trying to take Teresa’s logic away is like borrowing a pen from a starfish. Teresa doesn’t understand reason or hypocrisy. She can’t process that she was hurt when Kim D. spread rumors about her, so Jackie can feel the same way in a similar situation. Teresa, like a wounded dog, knows nothing but what she is feeling at that moment and reacts to it, often in malicious ways. Jackie makes this mistake several times and tries to reason with Teresa as if she were an average intelligence person. Well, if Teresa invented that rumor and doesn’t want to tell her how she heard it or if it’s true, it’s the same as Jackie saying, “I heard that Gia uses coca in the bathroom at parties.”
That’s when things really go to the side and Teresa leaves Margaret’s multicolored mirror collection from a funhouse screaming cunt in its wake as if it were Princess Diana’s train at her wedding. All because Jackie “brought children for this”.
This is not what Jackie did. Jackie was defending the intellectual point that Teresa invented something and said on camera to hurt Jackie, just as Jackie invented this thing about Gia. In the context of the argument, we should all know that this “rumor” is false. That is the goal. Jackie is not claiming that Gia uses coca; she is claiming that Teresa invented a rumor to slander her. Teresa will never understand this analogy because she is basically a half-chewed Hubba Bubba bubble walking on human legs.
That’s why I’m sick of Teresa on this show. All the villains, all the people we hate – the Kenya Moores, the Ramona Singers, the Jen Shahs – they argue about things because they are delusional narcissists who can’t see any other point. I find that at least clinically interesting. Teresa, however, is stupid as a garden, and that bores me.
The best part of the episode comes just before Teresa arrives, when Jackie tells Margaret that Teresa spread lies and physically assaulted people and that Danielle assaulted Margaret last year just because Teresa told her to. Jackie’s other points are supported by archival footage of Teresa making up lies about Melissa being a stripper, hitting Andy Cohen and throwing a glass of wine, along with the infamous table flip. Jackie asks, “How far do we let someone like Teresa go?” I think this is an issue not only for women, the production company that hires them and Bravo, but also for us as spectators. Apparently, the answer is at least another season, but I would like something to change that.