ÇWhen the first headlines about the coronavirus started appearing in January 2020, they had little impact in South London TJ, 25 years old. “It looks outrageous now, but I thought, ‘I’m young, I’m healthy, I’m going to be fine. ‘”When the first blockade was announced, his mindset started to change. He had been single “forever” and his housemate was going through the block with her parents, but he felt the same optimism that many felt in the era of weekly clapping and zoom testing. “But that first weekend, the silence of the house and all the hours to fill – I had this vacancy … mentally, I don’t know where I will be at the end of it. Four weeks later, I was genuinely afraid of my mental health, I just couldn’t take it. “
TJ is one of about 7.7 million people in the UK who have lived alone for most or all of the past year. “It’s not a Top Trumps game, it’s not like my anxiety is more profound,” he says. “But it is different when you are experiencing everything on your own.” In November 2020, the Office for National Statistics released results that showed that acute loneliness had risen to record levels, with 8% of adults (about 4.2 million people) feeling “always or often lonely”, and young people from 16 to 29 years twice as likely as those over 70 to experience loneliness in the pandemic. “You would never think that there would be a fear of losing when we’re all stuck at home,” says TJ. “But I was browsing Instagram, seeing friends with their boyfriends or housemates, and thinking, ‘I wish I had someone. I feel so lonely.'”
Even those who previously liked to live alone found that the absence of company almost acquired a physical quality. “It was stifling,” says Carl, 56, of Derbyshire. He has been single for five years and has enjoyed the freedom and spontaneity this has given him. He accepted a voluntary resignation from his IT job in June, and although it was a welcome respite at first, the novelty of the empty days began to pass. “It comes in waves – for two weeks I’ll be fine, so I’m going to wake up one day and feel totally alone.”
Losing the company’s distraction has forced some people into deep self-reflection. Brenda, 71, found herself waking up in the middle of the night. “I’m not the type of person who thinks about dying, but suddenly I found myself wanting to clean up my papers and get rid of the clutter, as it wouldn’t be fair to my daughters if I passed. All the things I had ignored when I surrounded myself with other people came to mind. “
This disturbed feeling was difficult to get rid of, even when there was a chance of mixing. “What I found strange, having been very sociable before, is that you almost lose the art of it. A friend turned 70 last summer and her daughter threw a party; 15 people were allowed. I really expected it, but on the day I felt awkward. ”She always liked to live alone, in a remote village in Scotland, but“ total isolation from society is a completely different thing ”, she says,“ As the year went on, I missed people a lot and I fell into some real crises ”.
Long-term social isolation is known to carry a higher risk of mortality comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day – and lonely people are more likely to choose coping mechanisms that are not good for their health. TJ started to drink more. “I got to the point where I was thinking about bottles – ‘Would another bottle of wine make me feel better or worse?’ During the week everything was fine, I was still working [as an editor for a magazine], so I would talk to my colleagues, whom I love. But as soon as it arrived at 6pm on Friday and turned off the laptop, I was facing a weekend of nothing. I cleaned the apartment, watched TV, listened to Donna Summer or lay on the couch with my eyes closed trying to relax. But my thoughts were poisonous – stupid things like a fight I had years ago, or bad decisions I made – and the temptation to drink has always been there. “
Over the months, the discomfort of loneliness forced some to prioritize their mental health, despite orders to stay home. “I broke the rules a few times,” says Sarah, 29, who has lived alone for two years and has been single since December 2019. She met friends outside, as well as at home. But it damaged their relationships. “Some friends said that I was selfish and irresponsible. I could understand their anger, but those trapped in couples had no idea what it was like to spend 23 hours alone, looking at WhatsApp or Zoom. “
Carl visited an elderly family friend throughout the year to offer support. “I heard the deterioration in her voice, being so alone, and I thought, ‘Damn it, I’m going to see her.'” But he found that even this attracted censorship and began to distance himself from acquaintances and even family. “I got tired of seeing people judging. All they did was look at their own situation … often sitting in a house with a partner and two children ”.
For some, loneliness and self-reflection turned out to be a gift. After two months, TJ stopped drinking. “I woke up one morning and thought, ‘Okay, no one comes to rescue me, I need to learn to be alone, with my own thoughts.'” It made him more resilient, he says. “I focused on small goals, I ran my first 5 km, I learned to think only until the end of the day, instead of worrying about what may be happening in a year.”
The initial pressure to find a partner has also eased. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss going on a date and kissing someone, but I don’t necessarily need a relationship,” says TJ. “In my view, in the LGBT + community, we have been repressed for a long time. And so these spaces to be free and have fun are super important. “
Lauren is in her 30s, lives alone and was single for three years when the pandemic started. She had a similar epiphany: although she loved meeting new people, the pressure for each meeting to lead to something more serious made her unhappy. Near the end of the first blockade, she went on a date in a London cemetery with a polyamorous sex addict. “In normal times, this would never have happened, because I have always sought a monogamous relationship,” she says. Instead, they continued to date casually throughout the summer. It was fun and liberating, but she interrupted when new restrictions came up: “It was either that or having sex with him and his two other girlfriends.”
For Carl, loneliness was also productive. “It forced me to think carefully about what I want for my future. Before the pandemic, I was a person who lived in the moment and some considered me somewhat indifferent. But I know that I am not who I really am. ”Now he would like to be more open to a relationship. “It would be nice to have someone next to you to wake up or take a walk with, hold a hand, have a hug.”
Last March, Brenda was due to move in with her eldest daughter before the birth of her second child. “We were waiting to see what would happen, so of course I lost my birth and never met my new grandchild.” She says it is one of the most painful parts of the blocking experience, but adds, “I really want to stay positive”. Last year, a close friend’s husband died. “He was very afraid of Covid. That’s not why he passed away, but I was sad to think that fear was such an important part of the last year of his life. This made clear the fact that I am 71 years old and I do not have those years to lose. That’s what I’m focusing on now. I have been walking by the sea, experiencing every bit of nature, living as much as I can. ”
Some names have been changed.