My brother-in-law is in his early 40s and has health problems. He is also suffering from mental health problems that, for the most part, have not been diagnosed due to his refusal to see anyone and, essentially, he does nothing but smoke marijuana, drink alcohol and play video games.
At the moment, your parents are paying your mortgage, which I believe is in their name, and I assume they pay all your bills. His father takes care of the maintenance of his house and helps with food and “necessities”. I assume that they also pay their medical bills or simply allow them to go unpaid.
This year, my seventies father-in-law had a health scare. My mother-in-law also had some health problems, although not at all threatening. I fear that my brother-in-law, due to his peaceful lifestyle, may also face other health problems as he ages.
I mentioned to my wife that they should openly discuss property plans with us. She agreed, but the matter is always put aside with them. Your family doesn’t like to talk about death or money. The best we can do with them is that everything is divided in half.
I think it’s a great plan on paper, but I see two major problems. First of all, there is the house that cannot simply be divided in half without being sold, which neither my wife nor her brother will want to do. It’s paid.
Moneyist:My wife and I have 3 children. I also have 3 children from a previous marriage. How should we share our home among these 6 children?
Perhaps in a decade or more, my wife could pay you half the house and potentially buy it, but that raises question two. Your brother cannot manage his own life now, and I know what will happen if a few hundred thousand dollars fall into his lap.
Neither my wife nor I want him to be a homeless person, but I worry that I will be responsible for taking care of my brother-in-law. I believe he will end up in misery after his parents are gone, if no one intervenes. At the same time, if they simply leave you money, it will waste it or possibly cause debt collectors.
My wife and I are wealthy and we can manage money very well. Ideally, we could simply manage a trust fund for him to ensure that the bills are paid, so that he doesn’t end up homeless or starving. Obviously, this is a sensitive issue coming from the son-in-law, especially for relatives concerned about death and money.
I don’t want to lose this guy’s account when his parents are gone.
Any advice would be great.
Responsible son-in-law
Want to read more?Follow Quentin Fottrell at Twitterand read more of your columns on here.
Dear son-in-law,
It looks like a combination of mental health problems and addiction. Sometimes, one can lead to the other. Helping your brother-in-law may require family intervention rather than financial intervention. This would involve the whole family taking the baton and telling him, one by one, that they love him and want him to recover and get the help he needs.
Depression has increased among middle-aged American men in the past decade. Baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964, face an increased risk of depression, according to a 2015 Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index survey. In the United States, 14% of baby boomers are being treated for depression. This is significantly higher than the national average of 11%, double the percentage for millennials.
It can also lead to more serious health problems. Studies have shown that being overweight or obese is associated with a greater risk of dying prematurely than having a healthier weight – and the risk increases with extra pounds. More than a quarter of American adults define themselves as obese, but the actual rate of obesity is close to a third of the population.
Moneyist: My friend’s father buried $ 50,000 in the yard for his grandchildren. My friend has 2 children, but his spendthrift brother has none. Should they share?
Your in-laws can explore options to ensure that your brother-in-law is taken care of after they leave, and someone with mental health problems and addiction who also has no life skills would no longer be able to handle their own finances, especially a fixed amount . They could make a provision in their will to place the proceeds from the sale of their home in a special income fund or to live on an income.
This may require a second intervention, which forces your in-laws to face the reality that your child is facing a long road to recovery and, if he does not want or cannot improve, they will have to adjust their own real estate plans accordingly. This may involve scheduling a meeting with your in-laws, a financial planner and a real estate attorney to discuss these issues.
There are many organizations that can help your parents, including the National Alliance On Mental Illness and the National Council for Behavioral Health. Your brother-in-law can also benefit from some type of rehabilitation or recovery program. The Substance Abuse Administration and Mental Health Services Helpline also offers crisis counseling for people affected by the pandemic.
Ultimately, you cannot force your brother-in-law or in-laws to seek the help they need and, perhaps through a moment of grace, recognize that they must face an unpleasant or difficult truth. You can do the best you can. But you are not ultimately responsible for the lives of others, even though it is difficult to see this situation deteriorate over time.
Hello, MarketWatchers. Check out the Facebook FB Private Moneyist,
group where we look for answers to life’s thorniest financial questions. Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas.
Quentin Fottrell is a MoneyWist columnist at MarketWatch. You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at [email protected]. By submitting your questions by email, you agree to post them anonymously on MarketWatch.