Lily Allen remembers her stint as an opening band on Miley Cyrus’s “Bangerz” tour in 2014 as a low point. So low, in fact, that it was when she realized she needed rehab.
“It was a very, like, highly sexualized tour. And, you know, I kind of spent the last three years pushing babies, ”said Allen, 35, in The recovery podcast. “It couldn’t have been, like, less what I felt. Also, I never, ever supported anyone. So, I was kind of stepping back into that stage of being a pop star, but I wasn’t doing it on my terms anymore. I was supporting a girl who was much younger and more attractive than I felt. And I started acting in every way. “
At the time, Allen, seven years older than Cyrus, was married to her first husband, with whom she had two daughters and a stillborn son. She had returned to the road because she needed the money, although she felt very heavy after her whole body had gone. She had already become addicted to Adderall in an attempt to lose weight. The situation got worse on the tour.
“I started, like, cheating on my husband, and I always drank alcohol to get rid of drugs, and then I realized that I was getting up in the morning and going straight to the minibar and swallowing those little, mini bottles of vodka or whiskey or the left and without the drugs anymore, ”said Allen. “And I thought, ‘Oh, well, I think I have a drinking problem.’ And I remember being in Los Angeles and thinking, ‘None of those performances are working anymore. Maybe I should try heroin ‘”.
The “Smile” singer already knew it was a dark path, having grown up the daughter of Keith Allen and Alison Owen, famous creators in her native England.
“I was in a scene, you know, where I saw what happens to people who use heroin and I knew when that thought came to me that it was time to – you know – confront my demons,” said Allen. “And that was about five years ago. And I started recovery. “
Allen was clean, but he quickly relapsed.
“And then, at six months, I started drinking again and, almost instantly, I lost everything. I lost my marriage, I lost my house that, you know, I worked 10 years to buy. My career started to sink. And I lost all my friends. I didn’t have any of my friendships anymore, ”said Allen. “I was so resentful, so angry all the time. I really felt that the world owed me things and I took the rawest part of the business. And yes, it went on for another four years, and then I ended up back [recovery] again.”
She also ended up divorcing Sam Cooper, with whom she shares daughters Ethel and Marnie, in 2018. (Allen was open about her infidelity during the relationship.) Two years later, she married Weird stuff actor David Harbor.
“I think it’s surrender more than anything,” said Allen about maintaining his sobriety. “And acceptance and gratitude. I’m not very good at my job with Step and I don’t have a sponsor at the moment, but I do my gratitude [list] everyday. I get up in the morning and make my gratitude list. And I try to make my gratitude list before I go to bed too, every night. And I feel like it really keeps me in control, just like in meetings, you know. Go to meetings regularly. “
The singer reported that she is in a good place now, no longer feeling that her happiness depends on whether her music reaches the top of the charts or she has to prove her worth to people.
“It is very good and I think, more than anything, I feel like I am breaking this cycle [of addiction]”Said Allen. “I felt so guilty for neglecting my children in those early years of their lives and for having to go on tour and behave badly as I was. You know, I really have a great relationship with my kids now. I am there to pick you up at the school gates whenever I can and I will drop you off the next morning and prepare dinner. They come to me when they have problems. And that is gold for me. I just feel like they’re confident little girls, and I don’t feel that, you know – touching the wood – they’re not going to become addicted to drugs like I did. But, you know, they seem to be on the right track. “
She described her relationship with Harbor, who has been sober for about 20 years, as “very happy” and “very healthy”.
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