Dear Amy: I just got back from a long walk. The walk started next to my husband. We were talking about the same old complaints that we both have, and it all came down to him saying, “You are a piece of shit.”
I walked in front of him and kept walking without him.
I’ve been here before.
I have no passion for him and, to be honest, I don’t know if I have ever been in love with him, even in the beginning. We have beautiful adult children (they are happy and have great jobs).
There is a long history between the two of us. He was unfaithful because he didn’t get the love he wanted from me. He drinks. Your family is terrible. I, on the other hand, am disciplined (“controlling”, as he describes me) and frigid.
My husband is my one and only. It is true that I am not comfortable with intimacy, but over the years, I have worked on this successfully. But, yes, because he is cruel to me, I have difficulty saying: “I love you”.
I want to leave him, but it is easier for us to be together, in terms of finances and “family”.
I’m not perfect, but, my God, I can’t talk to him.
It is as if we are stuck in a pattern: we fight and then we make peace, indefinitely.
This is normal?
Lovelorn
Dear Lovelorn: It seems that I remember an ad from the old days that used this catchphrase: “Normal is what is normal for you”.
So, yes, this pattern of anger, disrespect, unmet needs and ending your walks alone is normal. No doubt, other couples interact in similar ways.
Applying a “normal” structure to relationships can put an “abnormal” label on those relationships that are weird, crazy, challenging, unusual – but working well, anyway. Your not. How do I know this? Why did you say that.
You and your husband are in a vicious cycle. This is your unfortunate norm, and you should try to change it vigorously by hiring a professional couples therapist and making heroic efforts together with your husband to get involved in a more positive and peaceful way.
And, if that doesn’t work, you should have a long-term view, asking yourself, “Is this what I want for the rest of my life?”
In the future, do you want to look back and say to yourself, “I continued an incompatible and unhappy marriage because, well, was it easier?”
Dear Amy: I am in a house with my mother, two dogs, my rabbit and my sister.
Since the start of the quarantine, discussions have increased and are sometimes caused by petty things.
We never become physical, but the constant discussion is affecting me and my family.
The only way to keep me in a good mood is to go out with my animals, but even they are stressed. Any suggestion?
Stressed teenager
Dear Stressed: You and your family should plan your days more, working more alone for each member of the family. You and your sister should take over the housework and place a chart in a public place, to establish some clarity about who should do what and when. This will reduce some of the tension.
Mindfulness and meditation can help. There are many videos on YouTube directing meditation for teenagers; tips on mindful.org can help you get started. Do this with your animals!
Make sure you spend some time outside with your dogs, every day. Even if you’re just walking around the block (safe for COVID, please), being outdoors will refresh your perspective and lower your blood pressure.
Your observation that pets feel stress and tension at home is astute! They need peaceful, calm and predictable routines, just like people.
Dear Amy: I had money, several items – and almost my identity – stolen by a family member during a vacation visit.
Remind readers to obtain their free annual credit check before the end of the year and to protect all financial information prior to travel or accommodation. This includes mail and medication.
Lock your life before the guests arrive.
Holiday visits offer the opportunity for identity theft and fraud, and are almost always performed by a family member.
If you have a family member stealing from you, please file a complaint. You may be the only person who puts them on the system, where they can get help.
Was there
Dear Been there: Vacation visits have declined this year, but this is good advice at any time.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.