Ask any black woman and she will probably have a story about washing day. In my family, they were particularly sacred when I was a child. Since my mother was a cosmetologist, our kitchen was transformed into a beauty salon every weekend. Every Sunday she had a routine for my twin sister Andrea and me. We started early in the morning and went on until 3 or 4 pm (I was less sensitive, so I always had the honor of going first.) She started by washing my hair in the kitchen sink, then Andrea’s. Then she would go back to the whole thing: rinse me. Rinse Andrea. Dry me. Andrea dry.
We talked about everything during that time. She taught us how to make braids, French braids and straighten hair with a hot comb without burning it all. She asked us about school – if we had a bad day that week or if we had problems at school. She was also an excellent cook, so while she did our hair, she made snacks and popsicles for us. The TV was never on. We had fun. And when my sister and I got older, she let us stylize each other. Don’t get me wrong: it was a disaster (my hair fell out once in a straightening incident that went wrong), but more importantly, we were having fun and we felt we could be creative.
So, the day I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I was very happy. Hair played a very significant role in my relationship with my family. I couldn’t wait to pass on my knowledge and have a routine for me and my daughter that was all ours.
At first, my daughter’s hair was soft and wavy – little maintenance. I washed with baby soap and sprayed a little water whenever I wanted her curls to pop. That was it! I dreamed of all the beautiful barrettes and styles that I would be able to create when her hair grew longer. But after Sophia passed the eighth month mark, the texture of her hair started to change. Her curls got tighter and she developed a scaly, almost hairless patch on the back of her scalp. All the basic drugstore baby things seemed to be drying her up. I was worried, but the experts assured me that this was common with babies.
My two-year-old daughter, Sophia
I wanted her hair to be more hydrated, which I thought would help with hair loss. I love organic coconut oil for my own hair, so I started using it on your hair every day to block out moisture and keep it shiny. This worked for a while, until she turned a year and her hair changed dramatically again. It has become much rougher and harder to comb. Sophia also started fighting me every time I tried to wash her hair. She cried whenever the water touched her face and didn’t stay long enough for me to comb.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I felt like a bad mother, but I definitely felt frustrated. As someone who has spent years doing natural hair, I thought this would be the easy part of motherhood. Was she too young to use the products I used on my hair? When was the right time to use real shampoo and conditioner on a baby? I was questioning everything I thought I knew.
Also, because I was black and a mother for the first time, I was afraid of being judged because of the appearance of my daughter’s hair. For years, black women have had to deal with the social prejudices surrounding the use of hair in its natural state. Society considered it unprofessional or “sloppy”. Even when these discriminatory beauty ideals finally started to evolve, it was a struggle to embrace the way I look and how I dress my hair.
I don’t want this for my daughter. I want her to wear her hair with pride and know that she is more than her hair. I recently read the book Love Hair, which celebrates a girl’s natural texture and all the ways her hair is special, for Sophia before bed. I want to instill in her that no matter what her texture is, her hair is just as beautiful.
And yet, for all the articles and message boards I found on children’s hair, I couldn’t find any resources specifically on black baby hair. Then, one night, I went down on YouTube – which, as a new mom, is basically my solution to everything now. There I found several videos of black mothers who were going through the same problems as me. I felt so comforted to know that I was not alone and that they had real advice besides “it happens”.
Ten months later and after some trial and error, I finally understood better how to take care of my son’s hair, now two years old. Every other Sunday she gets excited when I say it’s time for her washing day. As I let her pour water over her head, I will ask questions about what she likes or what book she wants to read. She will hold her rubber bands for me while I stretch her curls. And when she is finished, she will look at herself in the mirror and say: I am beautiful.
I am proud to feel that I am sharing something with her and that I am teaching her to love her hair. And now, if another new dad is looking for advice on his baby Black’s hair, I can share what really helped.
Wash once every two weeks.
I used to wash Sophia’s hair once a week, but I quickly realized it was too much. It was drying your scalp, which caused dry spots. Now, we wash and condition every two weeks with the Shea Moisture Kids line and, between washes, I touch up her hair with African shea butter mixed with organic coconut oil.
Sheamoisture Extra Nourishing Shampoo for Children
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Sheamoisture sulphate-free conditioner for children
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Find a soft brush to untangle.
This detangling brush was chasing me all over Instagram, so I finally decided to buy it. It is an absolute game changer. It is a completely plastic brush with soft, flexible bristles that puts minimal pressure on the hair and scalp. I use it after washing Sophia’s hair and while the conditioner is still in place. It detangles easily and prevents breakage.
Flexi Detangling Brush 4C Hair
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Split and straighten the curls with hair ties.
This technique is a great way to stretch a child’s curls without using heat. After conditioning and detangling your curls, I divide your hair into six sections and use black elastic hair bows to hold it in place. It takes about 20 minutes, and I do this while she watches her favorite show (which is currently Blue clues and you) This hairstyle can last for about a week or more, so I usually let it go and fix her hair or re-hydrate it and put it back in this style.
This technique makes it much easier to do my baby’s hair.
Invest in a protective hat for washing day.
Despite my daughter’s affinity for bathing, whenever I tried to wash her hair, she cried, screamed and kicked. She just couldn’t handle the water falling on her face. This protective hat that your aunt found on Amazon is a lifesaver. It is flexible, resistant and adjustable, preventing soap and water from entering the baby’s eyes and ears. It became a washing day that was almost unbearable in a fun experience for both of us.
Adjustable soft hair protector for bath
$ 9.00, Amazon
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Cynthia Simpson is a casting producer at Condé Nast. Follow her on instagram @naturalcyn.
Originally appeared on Glamor