If I had more fully shared my persevering thoughts of annihilation, or perhaps if she had asked different questions, I would have felt heard. So, I left his office and never came back.
Augenthaler says, “You must feel comfortable and you must feel heard, and if you ever feel like ‘You don’t understand me’, this is not the right therapist for you.”
Anne Nayor, a licensed clinical social worker in St. Thomas, said it best: “Therapists are not gods, they are just people and they make mistakes.”
I stayed away from therapy for 10 years, until my 24-year marriage was threatened by my husband’s betrayal. He promised that the case was over, but then he refused to discuss or acknowledge it, and I couldn’t go on without talking about it. The licensed counselor I met through my brother advised me to make my home a more relaxing place for my husband, and when he was more comfortable, he would be more open to talking about the case.
This advice seemed wrong, but I didn’t know how to contradict the person with education and training. Instead, I lit the suggested gas lamps and remained married while my husband, happily, continued his affair.
Janice Seward, a doctor in clinical psychology said, “Therapy has an inherent power differential, and we are much more likely to give up things like our intuition when we are in a relationship where someone has the perception of power. It is important to continue to trust your intuition, even if someone has a PhD after the name. If you have a feeling that something is not right, something is probably not. “
After a year of making my husband comfortable, my marriage finally imploded. This time I found the right analyst, as indicated by a friend.
John Gyra, a clinical psychologist, helped me to uncover the truth about my marriage and to heal me. I also found out why my previous therapists were so useless – I needed someone with training and education to recognize emotional abuse in my marriage. With your help and guidance, I gained the strength to stand firm during my three-year deal negotiations. He encouraged me to feel the anger I suppressed under my feelings of being a victim and to learn to deal with those powerful feelings. He helped me find words to talk to my children about their father.
Finally, I felt seen and heard. Seward agrees with the other professionals I interviewed. “There has been research on what is really therapeutic and healing, and it is the relationship between the therapist and the client.”
She advises you to seek help sooner rather than waiting for a crisis to come. Know that what you are feeling may be normal, considering today’s stressors, but it may also be outside the limits of what you can face alone.
Seward also says, “Thirty years ago, there were three types of therapy; now there are five hundred.” If you work with someone who is licensed or registered, there will be a licensing board, whose main objective is to ensure the safety of customers. It also sets a minimum standard that a therapist must meet.
There are also many online providers “on demand”, such as BetterHelp, TalkSpace and, if you are in Canada, Online-Therapy.com. There has been a paradigm shift since I last saw Dr. Gyra, almost 15 years ago. It has made getting help much more affordable and affordable.
Ask your doctor, friends and family for recommendations. If you are an employee, contact the HR or employee assistance department. Do not hesitate to speak with several therapists until you find one you are comfortable with. Most will offer an initial 10 or 15 minute phone conversation for free. Visit therapist websites, read their biographies and view their photos to see if any of them identify with you or are experts on the problems you think you are experiencing.