WWe can all agree that the restrictions imposed by Covid reinforced all the things that we once considered to be right. Some miss their loved ones. Some miss the pulsating mass of warm strangers on an unplanned night. I? It turns out that I apparently lost sight of a huge gorilla punching a radioactive sea monster right in the middle of its dumb face.
I didn’t know that, of course, until I watched the Godzilla vs. Kong trailer. Ostensibly, Godzilla vs. Kong is the grand culmination of a long-term plan; a cinematic universe where we are first introduced to the biggest and most iconic creatures in the history of cinema and then we are awestruck with admiration when they are trained for each other. Apparently, to enjoy Godzilla vs. Kong, you would need to watch again and enjoy Godzilla 2014, Kong: Skull Island 2017 and Godzilla: King of the Monsters 2019 in quick succession. But you’re not going to do that, because the whole backstory of the film is completely contained in its three-word title. It’s a movie about King Kong punching Godzilla.
And honestly, I can’t wait. Not even. In terms of absolute cinematic spectacle, last year was a total failure. I managed to see only two theatrical films in the past 12 months; one was Proxima, a sad French drama about maternal guilt. And the other was Tenet. Tenet, for God’s sake. A film that committed the double sin of being too incomprehensible to stay awake and too noisy to sleep. Tenet was announced as nothing less than the savior of the theatrical cinematic experience, which would have been great, had it not been for the fact that he was not very good.
Now, imagine if Godzilla vs Kong had taken the place of Tenet. Imagine if the escape plan from the cinema was a film in which a 120-meter prehistoric allegory for nuclear destruction causes the atomic beam to be expelled from its mouth by a gorilla wielding what appears to be an aerial skyscraper like an medieval battle ax. No, really, imagine. Because it is my sincere belief that a film like this would not only keep cinemas open, but would force the coronavirus to retreat in terror.
I’m exaggerating, but not too much. After the year we all had, watching the Godzilla vs Kong trailer was like getting a massage. It looked like someone had lifted his brain from the top of the skull and carefully plunged it into a nice hot bath. “I know things have been difficult,” he seemed to say, “but here is a film about two gigantic idiots shooting themselves for reasons that are not at all important. Nothing to worry about here. We have it ”.
Genuinely, they should put this trailer on the Headspace app. There is something so relaxing about how stupid it is. Watching King Kong jump from an exploding boat as if he were auditioning for a Steven Seagal film from the 1990s. Hearing Rebecca Hall say something like “I made a promise to protect her and I think Kong somehow did the same” . See the scene where someone recorded the headline of the newspaper ‘Monarch perplexed by Godzilla’s motives’ on a world map as if it were a clue. Hear on the soundtrack the agitated chorus reminiscent of Ligeti’s Requiem, and think “Gee, this is a movie about monkey fighting”. The whole thing is perfect.
It is true that the film itself can be horrible. It can be mistakenly assumed that people want to see a movie rich in mythology and well-designed characters, when all you want to see is King Kong punching Godzilla in the mouth for two hours. It can get bogged down by an overly complicated plot, like Godzilla: King of the Monsters, when all anyone wants to see is King Kong punching Godzilla in the mouth for two hours. It could have identifiable scenes and motivations, when all anyone wants to see is King Kong punching Godzilla in the mouth for two hours. Any of these would be a great shame.
Because that’s what cinema is for. These are not important pieces of characters, or even giants of support. It’s about stupid, average monster movies released in March like this, which you will only see because it is raining and nothing else is going on. It’s about leaving all your expectations at the door and still kind of hating it. It’s about the experience of choking collectively when realizing that someone really did this crap. I’m not kidding. I miss this. And as such, Godzilla vs. Kong made me more excited than any movie I can remember.