Fallout games can be dark, but not even the desert usually allows you to hurt children. Thank goodness for the mods, right? One Fallout 3 mod in particular allows players with cannibalistic privilege to swallow a child in The Pitt DLC, which one of my favorite speedrunners struggled to do in less than 20 minutes. Why the hell would he want to eat a baby quickly? It’s healthier than you think, actually.
Speedrunner Tomatoanus of 11 minutes of Cyberpunk sex fame – and many other talents – is the creator of this silly speedrun. He challenged himself to find a child named Baby Marie in the Fallout 3 The Pitt DLC and pull a big bad wolf over her as soon as possible. This would normally not be possible, but a mod called Acquired Immunity allows valut residents with the cannibal privilege to choose to eat the baby instead of stealing it from their crib. Both very cowardly, honestly.
Here is the video in which Tomatoanus explains the various tricks he is doing, how to cut walls, jump from level and stop jumping. You can learn something. I always do!
Tomatoanus is one of my favorite speedrunners. He clearly explains all the tricks in his runs. He has an easy-to-hear voice. He tells jokes. In this particular video, he takes a complete verbal detour from the run itself to give an exhilarating lecture on fast running.
Since Tomatoanus invented the speedrun to eat a baby, he has created six silly rules as his requirements. But it’s not really about the rules. “It is highly unlikely that this race will reach an official rating on speedrun.com and I have no interest in having one,” said Tomatoanus. “No scoreboards are needed to make speedruns. If there is a race that you think would be fun or funny, go ahead and do it.”
He emphasizes that anyone interested in sprinting should do what seems fun to them, whether it be competing on the leaderboards in popular categories or inventing their own silly races like eating babies. What a beautiful message for an extremely horrible goal!
When everything is ready and fed, Tomatoanus will start the race at 6:51 pm. I suppose it’s technically the world record time, right? Unless some other intrepid cannibal decides to challenge you.
If you want to hear a little more about Tomato’s wisdom, he has other fun activities, like having sex with everyone in Fallout New Vegas and quickly running the entire Fallout anthology. This was a casual Friday post, something for which I also just made up the rules.