Former graduate student Ben Higgins is launching a revealing new book that sheds light on his personal struggles.
And on Tuesday, the 31-year-old reality show revealed one of the darkest aspects of his life: at one point, he was addicted to painkillers.
“The final piece of my dark puzzle came together when I started treating people as objects that existed for my pleasure,” he wrote when describing the use of a woman just for sex. And he touched on the ‘shame and darkness’ he felt at the time.
His truth: former bachelor student Ben Higgins is launching a revealing new book that sheds light on his personal struggles
He started using painkillers when he was playing football in high school. Higgins suffered a knee injury and needed surgery, so painkillers were prescribed.
As soon as he started taking the pills, he felt he couldn’t stop.
And it made your world fall apart.
He didn’t go to the college he wanted. His pain was exacerbated when his high school girlfriend cheated on him. And then his father fell ill.
“Stopping taking painkillers became even more difficult when a different type of pain hit you,” he wrote.
Recovered: And on Tuesday, the 31-year-old reality show revealed one of the darkest aspects of his life: at one point, he was addicted to painkillers. Seen in 2016
And he said he changed his personality for the worse, often feeling selfish and ‘dark’.
‘The final piece of my dark puzzle came together when I started treating people like objects that existed for my pleasure.’
In one part of the book, he said he slept with a woman when he was high and did not show enough respect for her, adding that he treated her as ‘an object for my pleasure’.
– When it was over, I discarded it. I didn’t care about his story or his desire for a relationship that wasn’t just physical and lasted more than one night. I didn’t care that I hurt her. I only cared about myself, ”he wrote.
He took pills for a period of four months.
He came a long way: at school, he had headaches and his father was sick; he said he received painkillers after a knee injury
Then he woke up to reality.
‘When I made eye contact with myself, I felt like the devil himself was looking at me,’ he said of looking in the mirror one day.
“Oh, God,” I said out loud. ‘Who is it? This is not the man I always wanted to be. ”
Ben added: ‘I really meant the words’ Oh, God’. It was the first prayer I said in a long time – and perhaps the most honest prayer I have ever said. (…) I confessed to God how my life had become empty and how I didn’t want to stay on this path. ‘If you are real,’ I shouted, ‘save me from myself.’ ‘
Family First: With Lauren Bushnell in After The Final Rose; host Chris Harrison is on the far right; seen in 2016
They had good intentions: Ben also said that he fell in love with Lauren on the show, but when the fantasy encounters ended and it was real life, things changed; seen in 2016
The star also plunged into his previous love life.
His first on-screen girlfriend was Kaitlyn Bristowe with whom he appeared on The Bachelorette in the 11th season of 2015. She left him after he admitted that he often felt like a stranger.
“Her rejection only confirmed my feelings of an outsider even more,” he wrote.
‘A few months later, the whole world (or at least the fans of the show) watched my moment of vulnerability unfold, with background music added.
‘Then something very surprising happened. (…) My words must have related to all strangers, because one person after another wrote to tell me that they too were struggling not to feel kind ‘.
He then dated Lauren Bushnell in The Bachelor.
‘The fantasy level for those dates was off the charts,’ he shared.
“As we met outside of The Bachelor’s fantasy encounters, we both started to realize that this perfect fit was not as perfect as we believed,” he shared.
And they had to work hard ‘even in the basics of our relationship’.
“Sometimes, we had difficulty talking. (…) Something seemed strange, nothing that two people who should be hopelessly in love should feel, ‘he wrote. There was ‘tension and pain’.
Then came Lauren’s spinoff: Happily Ever After? that had eight episodes.
“The producers added the question mark because they felt there were problems in paradise. So far Happily Ever After? came, there was not much joy in our relationship, ‘wrote Higgins.
‘None of us were happy, but we were still doing our best to make the relationship work.’
They went to couples counseling and therapy.
“Still, no matter how many steps we took, it felt like something was hitting us and we would be back to confusion and doubt.
“In the end, we were barely talking. The separation itself came over the phone. If you wonder how you can end an engagement with a phone call, believe me when I say that we both preferred it that way.
“None of us needed another tortured, face-to-face conversation about our relationship,” he wrote. ‘It was like our time on the show had never really ended. At least, not the bad part. When it was finally time to throw in the towel, doing so through a phone call was much healthier for both of us.
Pause: Higgins says it has been “difficult” for his fiancee Jess Clarke to deal with postponing the wedding; seen in 2020
And when he saw her in New York City right after the breakup, he avoided her: ‘Two days after breaking up with a woman I thought I would live happily ever after, I was happier hiding behind a corner in New York than making eye contact with her at the crosswalk.
Now he is engaged to Jessica Clarke. “Outside of the fantasy world of television, I no longer had the slightest idea of what a good date was like, let alone a perfect one I would like to arrange. And yet, I met this incredible woman who couldn’t stop thinking and didn’t know what to do. I felt that I had set a certain standard on television and I was sure that she would be disappointed if dating me out of this world did not match that. This fear left me paralyzed. ‘
The pair postponed their wedding by announcing their engagement in March 2020 and later revealing that they were waiting for the wedding to go through.
Bad time: the couple became engaged in March, when the pandemic began to spread; seen in 2020
And Ben is looking forward to getting involved in telling People, ‘I mean, it’s been a year since you stepped back. I am making this commitment that I have been ready to make with her for a long time and this is being postponed. ‘
Higgins said he is leaving most of the planning to Jess, who he said was going through difficult times with all the uncertainty.
“I think it has been very difficult for Jessica,” said Higgins. ‘I think the hard part is having it in your head, like,’ We could plan this, and maybe it couldn’t happen. It can be changed completely. ‘
‘This is hard. He’s also trying to plan it so that grandparents can come, with luck, so they can be there to celebrate with us. I think this is the most stressful part, just not knowing. ‘
Unlucky: ‘It wasn’t ideal for us last year,’ admitted Higgins; seen in 2020
The couple is also ready to marry to consummate the relationship, previously revealing the decision to wait until the wedding night to have sex.
“It hasn’t been ideal for us for the past year,” admitted Higgins.
– Because obviously, as I said, plans have changed dramatically in the past year. This was not part of our plan, to wait a year and a half. It had to happen because of COVID. ‘
The couple announced their engagement in late March, as coronavirus blockages began to become the new normal.
Although they originally planned a wedding in the fall of 2020, they are now planning for November this year.
During the Podcast Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous last July, the Warsaw, Indiana native said, ‘We don’t have an exact date yet; we are finalizing his location. ‘
‘But I believe it will be in November 2021 that we will be married.’