“When I made eye contact with myself, I felt like the devil himself was looking at me.”
Ben Higgins is opening up about his fight against addiction for the first time.
In his new book, “Alone in Plain Sight: Searching for Connection When You You Are See but Not Known”, released on Tuesday, the former bachelor revealed that he was addicted to painkillers in the past, noting that it all started after he he injured his knee while in high school and later underwent two surgeries.
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“I knew I needed to get rid of them, but I found it difficult to do that when, after each surgery, I was prescribed again,” wrote Higgins in the book, for E! Connected. “In addition, many of the people I chose to go out with at this stage in my life also took painkillers.”
“Stopping taking painkillers became even more difficult when a different type of pain hit him,” he continued, noting that he was rejected at his business school, his then girlfriend cheated on him and his father fell ill again.
Higgins said that the “final piece of [his] The dark puzzle fit “when he” started treating people like objects that existed for my pleasure. “
“I don’t want to go into too much detail, but suffice it to say that I used a young woman as nothing more than an object for my pleasure,” he recalled. “When it was over, I discarded it. I didn’t care about your story or your desire for a relationship that wasn’t just physical and lasted more than one night. I didn’t care that I hurt you. I cared about myself.”
Although the former student of “The Bachelorette” said he does not remember much of the mornings during his four-month period of “shame and darkness in bed”, he was able to remember the moment when he had a discovery.
“When I made eye contact with myself, I felt like the devil himself was looking at me. ‘Oh, God,’ I said out loud. ‘Who is this? This is not the man I always wanted to be'” Higgins wrote . “I really meant the words, ‘Oh, God.’ It was the first prayer I said in a long time – and perhaps the most honest prayer I have ever said. … I confessed to God how my life became empty and how I didn’t want to stay on this path. ‘If you are real,’ I shouted, ‘save me from myself.’ “
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Speaking to Us Weekly about his book, Higgins said it was “difficult”, “awkward” and “still difficult” for the public to now know about his past struggles. However, he noted that he hopes others can relate.
The reality show – which said it took two years to write the book – also recognized how its ghostwriter helped him to detail his battle with addiction.
“My ghostwriter helped me dig a little bit more because there was a moment in time when I kind of stalled and was going too far on the surface of things,” said Higgins. “I had to bring him in at the end to help me … [and] to ask the right questions. “
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Meanwhile, also in his book, Higgins opened up about what happened at the end of his relationship with Lauren Bushnell, revealing that they finally broke up over the phone.
If you remember, Higgins and Bushnell became engaged at the end of the first season of “The Bachelor” in 2016. The former couple had their own spinoff series, “Ben and Lauren, Happily Ever After?”
According to Higgins, the title of the show had a question mark because the producers “felt that there were problems in paradise”.
“At the moment ‘Happily Ever After?’ came, there was not much joy in our relationship. Tension and pain took their place, “he recalled in his book, which he said earlier that Bushnell signed. “Neither of us was happy, but we were still doing our best to make the relationship work. We went to therapy and couple counseling, but no matter how many steps we took, it looked like something was going to hit us and we would be back in confusion and the doubt. “
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When Higgins and Bushnell ended their engagement in May 2017, he says the two decided to do it over the phone, with Higgins saying it “seemed a lot healthier” not to do it in person.
“In the end, we were barely talking. The breakup itself came over the phone. If you wonder how you can end an engagement with a phone call, believe me when I say we both preferred it that way,” Higgins wrote. “Neither of us needed another tortured, face-to-face conversation about our relationship. It was like our time on the show was never really over. At least, not the bad part. When it finally came time to throw in the towel, doing in a phone call was much healthier for both of us. “
After his split with Bushnell, Higgins starred in “The Bachelor Winter Games” in 2018, but left the series early. He has been in a relationship with Jessica Clark since November 2018 and the two became engaged last March. Bushnell, meanwhile, is expecting her first child with her husband, country star Chris Lane.
Despite the fact that he and his ex have serious relationships, Higgins said, “Strangers still ask me about [Bushnell] and why we broke up. “
“Alone in Plain Sight” is now available.
