Dear Amy: I’m asking my little sister, “Stella”, for advice.
Like many people now, Stella is using [a social media account delivering “X-rated entertainment”] to make an extra income.
Our oldest cousin “Candace” is married to “Ted”. They have three children. Ted is about 17 years older than Stella.
Stella found out that Ted signed his account. She learned this because he sent a lot of messages saying that he is always examining her at family events. He called it a “dirty little secret”.
We are both very upset by his behavior and we are not sure what she should do next.
Should Stella tell Candace? Stella told our mother in the hope that she would receive some advice and potentially put aside any unpleasant future family reunions.
Our mom thinks it’s possible that Candace will side with Ted and that could make things worse.
Stella and I agreed that we would like to know if our significant other was doing this.
I encouraged Stella to take screenshots of her messages in case she needs any proof in the future (which she did).
Stella blocked his account and warned his friends on the site so they can also block him. A friend realized that he was paying for some of her content, but only for content that included Stella.
Should my sister keep this secret or let our cousin know what her husband is doing?
– Worried Big Sis
Dear Big Sis: “Ted” is a worm. More on that later. But her question concerns in part whether “Stella” should notify her cousin “Candace” because her husband, Ted, is a subscriber to Stella’s “entertainment for minors” account.
If Stella is providing pornography behind paid access, I would assume that many, if not most, of her clients are someone’s husband / loved one.
I will trace an equivalence for a medium like Penthouse magazine. If Stella is hired to pose for the Penthouse, should her cousin’s husband be “reported” because he bought her at a newsstand? Do not.
Her mother knows about Stella’s pace, so I imagine that acceptance would overcome any extreme family embarrassment.
Ted’s choice to harass Stella should NOT remain anyone’s “dirty little secret”.
Even though Ted may have thought he was getting involved in a creative and sexy act, having a relative informing him about his role in his fantasy life is … scary! Stella should respond directly to Ted, closing it. And, depending on how he reacts, in order to deny him the pleasure of having her as his “dirty little secret”, she must feel free to reveal it.
You must assume that Ted’s wife will side with him. But since his harassment is indefensible, I don’t think the rest of the family should be too concerned with him or his feelings.
Dear Amy: A few years ago, my husband and I met a couple who would become our best friends. They have two daughters and we have one.
The oldest, “Maggie”, is the same age as my daughter (6).
Maggie is rude, disrespectful, mean and aggressive.
We neglected him because we like friendship so much.
My daughter likes to play with girls, but I think Maggie hurts her feelings, although she is too kind to say that.
I believe that a comment I recently made about a rude incident caused a split. However, I am tired of allowing their daughter to treat us and our daughter so badly.
Parents refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem. I think the child needs professional help.
I would hate to see the friendship end, but I also want to set an example for my daughter, that we don’t allow people to treat us like that.
Do I end the friendship? What should I tell them?
– Upset mother
Upset Dear: The way to communicate with these parents would be to say: “Maggie dominates our daughter and she doesn’t seem to know how to handle it. I hope I haven’t crossed the line at your home, but I felt I needed to intervene. “
Dear Amy: “Luddite in Nebraska” complained that in-laws send important information (about marriage, pregnancy and birth) via text message. Ludite thought this was “bad taste” and that a phone call was needed.
Thank you for pointing out that the way of delivering news and information has evolved.
I am old enough to remember when using the phone to receive important news was considered “bad taste”. It was necessary to write a letter.
– Geezer
Dear Geezer: Great point!
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.