Dear Amy: Several years ago, my husband and I visited his brother and wife for a vacation. We stayed with them and counted on them for transportation.
One night, we went out to dinner. Your brother ordered fried pickles as an appetizer.
My husband told him that he had never had one before and reached out to get one. His brother slapped his hand hard and told him he would order his.
My husband, his brother’s wife and I were in shock.
Because we were with them and at their mercy, we said nothing. I tried to pay for our dinner after that, but your brother refused to allow it. Nothing more was said.
Since then, my husband and I have agreed that if we paid a visit again, we would never be with them.
The problem is that we were unable to end this.
His brother never apologized, nor was he ever touched again between the two brothers, although they maintained contact.
Should we apologize? Should we let him know how much we have been hurt by his actions? We want to visit again, but we are not sure how to overcome this experience.
Disappointed sister in law
Dear disappointed: Many people treat their dinners as a free buffet – what is mine is yours – but there are some people (and I am one of them) who are triggered by other people who take their food, without being invited or asking for permission.
What her husband did (“Hmmm, I’ve never had this before; I’m going to help myself”) was also an attitude very similar to that of a brother, revealing a behavior between the two brothers that probably dates back to childhood.
What your brother-in-law did in response was unforgivable.
Everyone’s reaction since then has been inexplicable.
Her husband and his brother maintained a conversational relationship. He’s waiting for an apology that will never come.
Unfortunately, the brother’s code generally suggests that the aggrieved party should just “get over it” without an acknowledgment or apology from the abuser. It is possible that this distorted ethics really contributed to the slap incident, because when people don’t use words (her husband didn’t ask, his brother didn’t apologize), they tend to attack instead.
If your husband wants to get over it, he’ll have to be brave enough to bring up the subject: “Look, this may seem like an old story to you, but it’s weighing on my mind. That time you slapped me at the restaurant during our visit, it really shocked me. It still bothers me. “
Your brother will probably lessen the worry. He can say that he does not remember or openly deny that it has already happened. Be ready.
Dear Amy: We have family across the country. On each of their birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas, we send checks or gifts and they never say thank you or even acknowledge that they have received anything.
We have a loving and happy family. I am hurt that I never recognized anything and yet, honestly, I don’t have the courage to stop giving them gifts.
My husband doesn’t care if they thank us or not.
I asked him to take over the distribution of gifts. He says he will. Great!
But isn’t it all just that they think we “owe” these things to them? ” We do not!
What is the way forward? Somewhere between sadness (me) and chance (he), there must be the right answer.
Gifted
Dear Gifted: You don’t really know if your relatives think you “owe” them, because they never communicate with you – in any way – about gifts.
If these family members never give you gifts (don’t mention it), receiving gifts can really make them uncomfortable. They may be passively trying to discourage you from continuing.
You have a loving and happy family. Your family will still be loving and happy, regardless of whether you choose to give gifts or not. Once you understand this, you will be free to worry about it.
I am with your husband on this. If it is good, do it not out of obligation, but out of the sheer joy of experiencing your own generosity.
Dear Amy: “Hate to Ask” was upset that his mother left more inheritance for a friend than for her.
Children often feel entitled to inheritance, while friends usually earn it. Friends can help someone overcome the difficulties of daily life, including those caused by children.
Therefore, a good friend may be more deserving of a greater inheritance.
A real friend
Dear friend: Great point!
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.