Updated SFDPH guidelines for safe sex during the pandemic are certainly something

The San Francisco Department of Public Health (SFDPH) would like to remind you that “breathing, gasping, screaming and moaning” all offer ways for the coronavirus to enter the body. And that spit game is probably not a good idea right now.

The pandemic has definitely set the electronic brake on random connections facilitated by apps and unfortunate nightly meetings conducted after bringing someone home from a bar – which may or may not look entirely different when placed inside a well-lit space. (But instead of frivolous personal encounters, “fan content” – that is, NSFW posts on sites like OnlyFans and Patreon – is enjoying a boom in popularity on COVID-19.) However, those still browsing meetings and sex with potential clients can refer to SFDPH’s “Safe Sex During the COVID-19 Pandemic Cheat Sheet”, which was recently updated on February 9 for some guidance.

And, not a binary nickname, these are suggestions … something.

First, the city’s health department fully recognizes that ingesting respiratory particles and mucus is the main way in which the new pathogen enters the body. “Hot, heavy breathing” is generally frowned upon when performing the action, according to the agency; the document suggests that the possibility of opening a window or playing in a well-ventilated area (outdoors?) can make the experience safer for COVID-19; SFDPH wants you to know that fellatio – and licking your finger and sucking your toe – are still activities full of the possibility of consuming body fluids that may or may not contain coronavirus bodies.

What can be my favorite ironic tips can be found in the subsections “Faster can be better” and “Maybe you want to watch”.

The first segment strongly encourages you to maintain any sexual relationship you are having with a new partner as soon as possible; it would be a wise choice to ping Lyft’s “save and wait” option the moment you send a text message to your mate “here”. As for the last section, she subtly suggests that it is safer, say, to observe your partner’s pleasure in a spacious apartment than to mess up a neat duvet cover.

Oh, and there’s this aspirational jewel of public backup: “Embrace dirty thoughts. And clean surfaces.”

Whether you’re currently staying celibate or occasionally visiting Rock Hard to buy new toys for a sexually positive companion, keep an eye on your activities and take the appropriate COVID-19 security measures for the situation in question. But, without a doubt, postpone these oragies until the herd’s immunity is achieved – which will require about 50% to 80% of the population to be fully vaccinated.

To read SFDPH’s “Safe Sex Tip Sheet during the COVID-19 pandemic” in all its glory, click here.

Related: SF to start phase 1B of vaccinations in two weeks; Only one county of CA changes to the ‘Red’ level

CVS stores in 18 bay area cities to start vaccinating people on Friday

Californians with underlying health risks may start receiving vaccines – at the discretion of doctors – on March 15

Image: Screen capture via SFDPH