Happy Festivus, guys.
It has been a difficult year for everyone around the world and, as usual, Detroit Lions fans have not been spared. The team is a pathetic 5-9 with two meaningless games ahead. Coaches are becoming dishonest, COVID is forcing half the team to work virtually and all of that won’t make a difference in two weeks, when everyone can be out of the house and never come back.
In other words, we have a lot to get angry about now. And what better holiday to express that anger than Festivus.
For those who do not know, Festivus is a very, very real holiday that culminates in the “Transmission of Complaints”. It is an opportunity to put all the weight on your shoulder and throw it at the nearest innocent person.
While we may have skipped that tradition in the past two years, now is the best time to bring it back.
You can check out our previous complaints presentation here:
Now, for this year’s complaints:
Chris Perfett
It took a long time, Detroit. It took half the year – and all those previous years – to realize that Matt Patricia was an idiot, a loser and a waste of time. Lions paid the price for it. Paint was spread over and over over the pile of garbage in a locker room that was left in its wake, confused statistics on defensive incoherence, horrible horrible things out of space and time, horrible things that somehow morphed into hope as Lions fans decided: yes, it is is the future of Detroit football.
It was pretty clear from the jump that this guy was no good. But what did we all do? Were we honest with ourselves that this guy had no business in Detroit? Do not.
What happened instead: horrible collective madness. We cling to the words of Ricky Jean François (!) To dispel doubts that the idiot was not an obstinate genius, but just an idiot. We went deep, deep into the entrails of the golden goat, believing that there were signs of the Patriot Way, impending fortune smiling at the Lions organization. Doubts were rejected: you just don’t take it, man. You don’t know football like this guy.
It is the oldest Christmas story in American consumer hell. You bought a damn lemon and spent years convincing yourself that it was the best selling product. His whole family was saying, “No, Dad, this sucks, please don’t take it out of stock for the holidays. “ You did it anyway.
Next time, be more honest with yourself. Don’t drink kool-aid on a whim.
These uniforms are rubbish. Still. Let this be the next thing to be thrown away.
Kellen Moore’s stint as an offensive coordinator was as good as his time as a Detroit defender.
Jeremy Reisman
What will it take for this godforsaken team to finally have a racing game in the post-Barry Sanders era? In the past 20 years, we’ve injected selection after draft selection into this and we literally have nothing to show for it. Reuben Droughns, Artose Pinner, Kevin Jones, Kevin Smith, Kevin Johnson, Kevin Miller, Kevin Brown, BRIAN CALHOUN, Aaron Brown, Jahvid Best, Theo Riddick, Ameer Abdullah, Kerryon Johnson and, finally, we are all convinced D’Andre Swift finally it would be different.
Why would it be any different this year? BECAUSE THE LIONS WERE AFTER THE OFFENSIVE LINE, ALSO. OOOOOH. Frank Ragnow and Jonah Jackson would lead us to the promised land.
But not. This team is still where it has been in all the damn years since Barry left home and never came back. The bottom half of the league in running yards. The bottom half of the alloy in yards per transport. The lower half of the alloy in DVOA.
Moral of the story: The racing game sucks, it will always suck, so stop injecting high caliber picks into running backs and just admit it will never work.
Also, Rod Wood. Can you just not?
Andrew Kato
The complaint I have is with delusional people who are reluctant to accept anything less than the next Bill Belichick for the next high-profile football manager hiring at the Detroit Lions organization. Head coach, general manager, whatever you choose. The notion that there are many experienced and proven professionals who have grown up with a lifetime of exposure to football and learning ready to change Lions culture and build it out of thin air is a little out there. For those who are not reading between the lines: stop looking for the next Belichick and start looking for the next oriented and adaptable professional talent assessor who has his own cool way of doing things.
Hamza Baccouche
This team is a joke. We’ve seen so many teams go through the cycle of mediocrity and come out on the other side – the Raiders, Browns, Bills, and even the Jaguars have been competitive for a while. I’m so tired of this, man. We are only in eternal misery. It’s not fun. Do you think I like to root for a draft position on Sundays just to see the GM mess up the choice, no matter how high? This sucks. As it is now, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Jets were competitive again before us.
I can’t do another reconstruction, man. Is it too much to ask not to be a laughing stock? Tease me with the playoffs every two years, win a win or two here and there. Okay, maybe it’s too much to ask, but I still want to.
Ryan Mathews
The thing is: I stopped being a fan of this team a long time ago as I used to be. During high school and college, my Sundays focused on Detroit Lions football in a way that I think many of us consume football. Truth be told, it’s been four years since I enjoyed watching Lions football. I say that the 2016 season was my favorite year of football. If Detroit were close to attacking in the fourth half, the team had a chance. This team had some juice and I had one of my favorite iterations of Matthew Stafford leading the charge.
Now? Now we are facing a complete reconstruction in the face, because Matt Patricia and Bob Quinn put this franchise back to the Stone Age with their list building. The defense needs to be completely rebuilt from top to bottom. There is not a single player outside of Trey Flowers – who really cannot be moved in any way – this team will certainly benefit from keeping it for the following seasons. Amani Oruwariye? Good player. Tracy Walker? A victim of Patricia’s idiocy. Jeff Okudah? I mean, let’s hope he can get healthy and prove this season that he was a victim of circumstances.
Notice how I didn’t mention one not married Defender? Jahlani Tavai is an absolute responsibility on the pitch and if it weren’t for Teez Tabor, he would be Quinn’s worst choice in the draft. Jarrad Davis is a dog chasing cars. Jamie Collins Sr. is practically the only name that is worth the group and he will be 32 next season.
Can the next general manager worry about building a quick pass? Detroit hasn’t had any since the 2014 season, which is no coincidence the best Lions team for you and your father’s life – which, yes, includes any team Barry Sanders was a part of.
I think I just want Lions to prioritize building an athletic defense at each level. Well, that’s if the next GM wants to keep Stafford around and isn’t worried about finding a new franchise quarterback … Ugh. This is heartbreaking and depressing. See how hard it is to be a fan of this team?
Mike Payton
I have a lot of problems with you and you’re going to hear about it. First of all, you can stop treating everything as if it were a key part of the Da Vinci Code, and if you reveal any kind of little secret, a chest would open and everyone’s face would melt. Share things with the fan base. Come and give an interview every now and then. Let the fans know that you care.
In the meantime, stop the corporate speech. Just go out and say, “Hey, we were terrible today and we are probably going to be terrible tomorrow.” Instead, we have to hear three years of: “From that point of view, we need to train better and blah, blah, blah.” Don’t joke, Matt. Please stop talking about culture. The culture of this team is that it has no culture. Stop appeasing yourself with the blue collar things too. It is just patronizing on this point. Just get it right now.
Some little things come to mind, stop allowing Fox, ESPN and CBS to bring Clayton Kershaw, bring back the black rush t-shirts, change all the t-shirts again so that we can forget this horrible era. Why didn’t you listen to anyone when they said they wanted Geek for Thanksgiving? Why did you delete “Africa” as one of the game’s songs at Ford Field? Why do you keep hurting me? Please pay Calvin his money and, for the love of all that is sacred, stop trying to be the Patriots.
Also, why get rid of the guy with the best haircut in the garter?